When I was younger, my dad always told me that it takes three heartbreaks before you find the person you want to spend with the rest of your life. I'm pretty sure I've surpassed those three heartbreaks! But, maybe I haven't.....
Heartbreak
The worst part about heartbreak, from a rational point of view, is that we always seem to want to hurt the other person. We spout out lies, and condemning comments just to make the other person feel pain. Spite. Everything you do during your heartbreak determines whether or not you can come back to that person in the future one day. Everything you say determines whether you two will have bitterness towards each other, or look back at each other fondly. Ain't nobody got time for bitterness.
Recently, I was able to forgive the Pig. It wasn't for him, but for me. I was clinging on to a bitterness that was not worth it. Does that change the fact that he's quite possibly the worst person that's ever walked on the face of this planet? Not one bit. However, in my own life, I needed to move forward and let go of the bitterness. That person is not someone I will ever see again, and I am fine with that. Some love is not meant to last forever.
Types of Heartbreak
Realizing I didn't love pig anymore made me realize there are different types of love and heartbreak. There's the love that is unconditional (family), love that lasts forever (the love of your life), and love that's just meant to be a guide to your future loves (the ones along the road).
I remember the first time I felt heartbroken, it filled me with an immeasurable amount of pain. I was on the floor immobilized for days because I had never felt that sort of pain. Okay, maybe not actually on the floor. But, it was earth-shattering. I remember people telling me I would get over it, and I refused too believe it! Well, I realized we get over break-up after a while. We just need to realize that if someone looked into our eyes and told us we weren't good enough, it is a reflection of how terrible they are for you. It's nothing to do with you as a person, but rather how wrong that person is for you.
There is the heartbreak that's really just a chip off your shoulder because in the grand scheme of things, you two weren't meant to be anyway. I also remember when I felt that type of heartbreak. The first few hours... Okay, day, I was completely distraught. I kept thinking to myself, "why did I let him go!" After a while, I realized that he wasn't someone with whom I really wanted to have a long-term relationship. It was a nice summer fling, but we didn't offer anything to each other that would contribute to our personal growth. He was just a frog, so to speak.
There's the kind that hurts in a different, deeper way because you know that if circumstances were different this love could be the best love. It's known as the love that got away.
Mr. Cool
The reason I say that what you do during a break up determine whether you will have a future with someone is because upon reflecting on the decisions I've made with my last break up, I'm noticing how spiteful people become when they're breaking up. I looked into the eyes of a person I loved and told him I never cared about him. My exact words were, "I just used you to get over my first boyfriend." However, that is far from the truth.
The first time I met Mr. Cool was at a family friend's home. I still remember walking into a Super Bowl Party and seeing him stare at me from across the room. I smiled shyly because, apparently, it's the only thing I know how to do when someone is staring at me. He walked over to me and made conversation about chocolates in the shapes of footballs. What ensued the following three years was a bit of an anomaly to me because I never thought he'd end up being so significant in my life.
Mr. Cool would come over to parties I hosted, or just to visit me. On one particular night, I tried to lean in for a kiss because I realized I had developed a crush on him. Mr. Cool quickly ran out like someone had started a fire. Rejection. After that, any time he text me I would string him along and casually make conversation. He was always in the back of my mind, but focusing on my school - and dating frogs - made him a distant memory.
One fateful February night, I started chatting with him on Facebook. I remembered why I had liked him so much: he could make me laugh. I told him I had been laying low for a while, and had deleted my Facebook for almost a year. "A lawyer laying low, that sounds suspicious to me," he said.
A few days later, he called me, "Hey, what are you doing?"
"Working...."
"Me too... I get out in 20 minutes."
I stared blankly at my computer screen. In reality, I was watching Netflix. But, who really wants to say that?! "Me too...."
"Cool, meet at your house?"
I was confused. We had never discussed the possibility of hanging out, or even going on a date. "Uhm... sure...."
"Cool. See you then."
That night we had our first kiss. He later confessed to me that our attempted kiss two years ago had left a mark in his mind. He had never been quite able to let me go.
The One That Got Away
Needless to say, we developed a great friendship, and began dating shortly after that night. Our first official date, he was so afraid to put his arm around me. I was afraid to try to hold his hand because I wasn't sure if he felt the same way about me. That's the funny thing about dating, two people could give each other all the signs that they want something and still be unsure as to where it's going. We would often sit together, my head on his chest as he played with my hair, and talk about our plans in life.
Recently, he joined the military, which makes me proud. On our first "date," he had told me about how he had wanted to join since he was in elementary school. The passion he had about learning different languages, and diving into waters or coming up with strategies was a passion I used to have when I'd talk about becoming a lawyer. Sometimes, we forget why we choose a certain path in life, but he reminded me why I love doing what I do.
He came home one day and told me he would have to leave for two years. I told him I wasn't sure if I could wait for him that long. The next few days our spite and hate ensued. We said things to hurt each other. I posted Facebook posts, that in retrospect were quite immature on my part. I threw out all his belongings. In the end, we tried to stay together because we talked it out. We love each other, and it's worth trying. A few days ago, he came to me and told me he couldn't do it. Mind you, this is after telling me he was going to keep in contact with me, and had made all these plans, made me believe he was worth the wait!! Jerk, right? That's probably what you're thinking....
Letting Love Grow
In the grand scheme of things, he isn't a jerk. It's not fair for me to constantly be worried about his safety, and for him to be worried about me. It would effect his ability to work because he'd constantly be thinking about me, and making emotional decisions instead of rational decisions. I would be stuck in my own life worrying, and not moving forward in my career. It's just not meant to be right now. I'm twenty-six, ain't nobody got time to be waiting around! I have a lot of mistakes I haven't made yet!!
It reminds me of that Jason Mraz song, "I Won't Give Up." He says:
And in the end, you're still my friend at least we did intend For us to work we didn't break, we didn't burn We had to learn how to bend without the world caving in I had to learn what I've got, and what I'm not, and who I am.
At first, I thought the song was about a man staying in a relationship with the person he loves. I realize now, it's a song about fate. It's about not giving up love for a person, but letting them go on their own path until both of you are ready. Some love is meant to last forever. You can love someone deeply and dearly, but realize that in the grand scheme of things, it's better to go on different paths in life. If you love someone enough, then you can let them go. Not literally let them go - as in giving up on love. It's word choice, really. Words can hurt more than feelings, so what I think people really mean when they say they want you to let go is: if you love someone, you can let them go on their own path and grow into the person they have the potential to be.
Love Can Wait
Break ups are inevitable, but so is love. I am a hopeless romantic, and truly believe in fate. If it is meant to be, then one day two people can find each other again if that love is meant to be forever physically. To quote Katy Perry: in another life, I would be your girl; we'd keep all our promises, be us against the world. One day, maybe.
To quote another song; Somewhere out there If love can see us through Then we'll be together Somewhere out there out where dreams come true.
However, as of now, there is a world out there waiting to be explored. There's something better for me: a budding legal career; obtaining a position on the Board of a legal association; volunteering with my HS Bestie on medical missions; Prepping to be a Godmother for one of my best friend's baby; finally running that half-marathon I always talk about; making more friends; the possibilities are endless. Either way, I am twenty-six years old and have an amazing career ahead of me. Love can wait.
