One is the Loneliest Number

The song keeps repeating in my head. I don't think I've ever actually heard the song in its entirety before tonight. It's that verse that gets to me, "one is the loneliest number..." I've spent five years hiding in darkness, in my thoughts and in dead end "relationships" out of fear that my heart might be broken again. I look back on all I have done in my life and feel as if I've accomplished nothing. I'm always staring out the window waiting for something, but I never know what it is that I am waiting for in life. I've won awards, I've won cases, I've done things that people my age would only dream of doing. Yet, I always feel it isn't enough, I have not proven myself enough, and I haven't gotten to where I want to be. When I really think about it, I don't even know where it is that I want to be. I start to think about who it is that I'm trying to prove myself to and I realize: it's me. Somewhere in my life, I have become my own worst critic. There's always a voice in the back of my head screaming at me and telling me that I didn't do something right, that I could have done better. This is even when I'm winning awards, or being told I've achieved something that only 20% of people obtain. She's always there haunting me, that voice telling me that it isn't enought. So, "one" really is the lonliest number because she makes you feel anxiety in the middle of the night, she makes you dream about things that couldn't possibl happen... she makes you stare out the window wishing for more. If she would really open her eyes she would see that she is exactly here she needs to be in life. She is loved because she loves herself. She is successful because she is happy when she wakes up each morning. On those grey days where "one" starts to creep in, that's when she needs to remind herself to feel empowered. One is not the loneliest number. One wants to be alone with her thoughts, and to strive for more. One should feel proud and stop and think, "you shouldn't have to prove yourself".