Life's Pandemonium

Lately, I have been restless and lost in my thoughts. I have days where I feel an overwhelming sense of doom - my heart will quench and thoughts will rattle my tranquility. Other days, I am floating through the world like the wind - choosing my course and exploring every crevice. ♥ I've had to learn to let go of my anxieties and let fate control. Only preparation will help you take on the adventures life will bring.

I have experienced many new friendships this year; it has been a whirlwind of chaos and sometimes I think I am about to lose control. Classic over-thinking on my part. Yet I am always apprehensive about my choices after meeting new people or being in a crowd. Most people do not believe I am shy because I have the tendency to throw myself into a room and smile. That smile is a facade for a young woman whom is terrified. The only repose I have is to control my environment by talking. However, the minute I am alone to reflect begins the self condemnation of things I should have said or could have said and the worry that someone will have misunderstood me and my identity will somehow be threatened by the night.

In the summer of 2010, I had met the President-Elect of a phenomenal organization in Los Angeles that helps empower the Latino attorneys throughout Southern California by bringing in support, opportunities and unity. We not only support one another, but other organizations that focus on making the professional environment in L.A. more diverse through community outreach (for all people of any race, color or origin).


It has always been my belief that a strong support system can be your rock in times of anguish - whether it be self-support or through friendship, family or even being lost in your own thoughts.

I told this man about my ideas for the students of the organization. It was my vision to build a network of support where people could turn to each other for help, questions and friendship. Of course, there are the things that you can control and those you cannot. He ultimately selected me to be part of his board and through the course of that experience I have learned that all you can do in life is be prepared. I can disperse information and enthuse about all the opportunities the organization can bring, but only those that are willing and desire to be a part of the organization will join. There are those traveling in their own paths that may not have time or the will to co-mingle with your path. It is especially bothersome when I feel I am treading on another's path because I never mean to harm; I just get caught up in trying to make my vision perfect. Thus, I lose myself in despair when I feel lack of support or when I don't know if I did something right.

As a member of the board of this Latino Organization, there are many social interactions involved. You can imagine how frightening this situation can be in a young woman who feels an utter sense of abandonment every time she meets someone new, is presented with situations she cannot control, or any time she is disappointed.

It is in these moments of loss that I try to remember how lucky I am to have met such amazing professionals who have guided the paths of many and set the pavement for others to walk upon or the students that have their own dreams/accomplishments and have given me the opportunity to bask in the sunlight of their path. It is in these moments of (my perceived)disaster that I try to remember that I have a group of amazing friends who may not be there at the moment, but would come to me should I fall. Most importantly, I remember my bout with depression when I was an adolescent...

It was during my years as a teen in boarding school - yes, boarding school - that I learned to pick myself up when I fall. Literally and figuratively. I learned my lesson while trying to walk up a familiar path with my eyes closed. I took one step forward and the stability I had beneath me disappeared. Instead, I was confronted with air as I tumbled into the dirt, onto thorns and leaves and covered in dismay. I laid in the ground with tears in my eyes when suddenly I came to the realization that even on a familiar path you cannot go without observing. If your mind is closed and your eyes are closed, then you will never see what is directly in front of you. However, you will never learn without taking a risk (so long as that risk is not fatal). When you do fall, because those moments will come, all you can do is pick yourself off the ground and keep traversing that road.

I titled this entry "Life's Pandemonium" because sometimes life can be a world of torment and chaos. However, it is in these moments we have to take a step back and realize we cannot control everything that comes our way. There are moments where you will guide your path and others where the path will guide you. All you can do is dream of what is over the hill and be ready when the trail surprises you. Experience is the teacher of humanity.