Spiders in the Bed and Boo Boo Bear

I am convinced that my bed is inhabited by a tiny, little, laughing spider that creeps up on me when I am asleep. It makes me hope those rumors are true that people eat 5 spiders in their lives without knowing it because it occurs in their sleep. In fact, I want to pretend I'm sleeping and jump the spider - and eat him! Often times, I wake up in the morning only to find two or three new bite on my legs. That's what I never understand about bug bites: they never appear near your face or arms.

I wouldn't mind being a black widow. They're bad ass and eat their boyfriends. Random fact from Boo Boo Bear: brown widows are taking over California because they're killing off black widows. They look almost exactly the same, except that they're brown. Does this correlate with the fact that Latinos are taking over California? I think so.

Well, the whole spider in the bed ordeal made me think about my Cinco de Mayo this past year and how Boo Boo Bear was coined as such. My friend Nando often tells me that my life should be a movie, or reality tv show. "Oh, the life you lead, Nor....."

Boo boo bear and I had just come back from Las Vegas with Pen Stealer - might I add this was also the day I was given a speeding ticket? Speeding tickets are such a waste of money and time. They know I'm just going to speed again once they leave...

My friend, Criminalist, had invited me to his Cinco de Mayo party. Boo boo bear was especially excited because it meant that she would be able to watch the "Fight." I kept referring to the "Fight" as the "game," which was irking her a little bit. I have absolutely no interest in boxing - unless it has to do with two boys fighting over me. Even then, I don't like a man that resorts to violence when he is confronted with an argument. I'd much rather see a man use his wit and intellect to win me over.

Little did I know that Criminalist had actually invited me to his birthday party. It wasn't until I arrived that I noted the chocolate cake (I absolutely hate chocolate cake.) Criminalist proceeded to explain to me that the cake was really for everyone else because he has no sweet tooth. I didn't care, because all I wanted were the margarita's his mother was making and spiking with an abundant amount of tequila.

At some point, I was getting tired of drinking. This often occurs when I've spent a week drinking in Vegas and can't bring myself to consume another bit of alcohol. each time Crim's mom was handing me a margarita, I started to pour them down the sink when no one was watching. Or, to my utter horror, Boo boo bear would steal them right from under my nose! This mess in a dress proceeded to be convinced to play beer pong that night.

I have a huge dislike for drinking beer that comes out of a red cup. In fact, I like my beer out of a tap and in a fresh, cold glass. Preferably, it needs to be of a Belgium-origin and NOT bud light. Bud light is just pure desperation, if you ask me. Anyone who would resort to Bud Light has not experienced the beauty of true beer. Moreover, I can't stand drinking out of a red cup that just had a ball thrown into it. It disturbs me that people are okay with drinking out of a cup that had a ping pong ball thrown into it. A ping pong ball that's hit the floor, hit the table, touched a multitude of dirty, oily hands and, occasionally, has run into a spider web or two.

Boo boo bear and I were graciously losing the beer pong fight. She was falling all over the place trying to retrieve the ball, and at one point I saw her tumble into a bush. I, on the other hand, was trying to clean the ping pong ball and make sure my beer was not contaminated. Criminalist is a good friend of mine, and I am often able to convince him to drink my beer for me. His birthday was another example of that considerable ability I have.

Each time a ball fell into my cup, I'd drink a few sips and turn to him. "Please? You know I hate bud light, and it's your birthday. Wouldn't you much rather be getting shit faced with your best friend, Nor, than seeing her get sick?"

"Fine, but you have to take a shot for every beer you don't drink."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah."

Two losses later, Boo boo bear and I walked into Crim's house. She saw the pool table and proceeded to crawl underneath it. "Get in here, Nor! Let's go to sleep!"

"Cutting you off."

Crim and his friend looked at us. "You two are pretty good friends, aren't you?"

I could see a number of scenarios running through their heads that involved Diana and I. Boys and their strange fantasies. I immediately turned towards Criminalist and smacked him on the back of the head. "Get your mind out of the gutter and play a game of pool, bitch."

"Noreen! Come here!"

Crim's friend, who clearly had a crush on Boo Boo Bear, looked down at her and helped her out. "Want to be on my team?"

"You mean, I have to play against my boo boo bear?!"

"Boo boo bear?"

"Yes! Noreen is my boo boo bear"

"Yeah, don't you know that?!" I said, as I looked at Crim's friend. "Everyone knows D and I are lovers..."

Let's just say that night, Diana and I managed to find our way back to my house, break a jacuzzi and find our way into my bed. I was completely sober by the time we had left Crim's party, but the whole gang came to my house. We tried to turn on the jacuzzi, emptied it and proceeded to open a bottle of Patron. The next morning, Diana and I both woke up laughing. Criminalist was downstairs. Both of us groggily walked down the stairs and jumped into Crim's bed. "Wake up, wake up!!"

"You are both crazy!"

"Let's watch My Cousin Vinny," I said with a smile on my face.

Boo boo bear and Crim looked at my like I was a strange bird. Crim turned to me, "you're way to happy for someone who just downed half a bottle of patron last night...."