I do not, by any means, regret pursuing a Juris Doctor. However, there are moments in my life where I wonder what life would have been like had I pursued a "Doctor of Medicine" (MD.)
When I was a little girl, I always toyed with the idea of becoming a doctor. In fact, my father's dream for his little girl was for her to be a successful doctor. It was my dream throughout my college career. The minute I walked into my Neuroscience courses, I was enthralled by the topics, the subjects. I knew that if I pursued a Medical Doctor, I would be a Neuropharmocologist or a Neurologist. Even now, I have an unexplainable attraction to learning about the human brain.
Well, here is where my thought about why putting myself first comes in....
A good slap in the face: seeing an ad on Craigslist from a La Verne Law grad who was top of their class - they graduated with a 3.1 at an undergraduate state school.
I graduated with a 3.8 at a Claremont College (despite having pursued a Neuroscience major for 2 1/2 years.) As many science majors will tell you, it is f*cking difficult to do well in a science course. I was, by no means, an exceptional student. However, I followed the courses and path that I loved - because I had passion.
However, I was completely in love and head over heels for someone who was completely wrong for me. He was wrong for me because he didn't show me the love and support a person should expect and deserve from their significant other.
My last year of college, I was a complete mess. I had switched majors to Psychology and Organizational Studies (Business) with a minor in Chicano Studies. There were two requirements that I needed to fulfill to pursue an M.D., and I had already had my foot through the door for a post-bac degree in medicine at John's Hopkins or Scripps College - one of which would have guaranteed me admission into a Medical School. Instead, I asked my boyfriend for his opinion. He told me that he supported whichever decision I made, but I could hear in his voice that he didn't want me to leave. I had already been working three part-time jobs to support him, his family and myself, which to this day has gone unnoticed. So, in November of 2008 I made a rash decision and applied for the LSAT. Without a course to back me up and relatively no knowledge of what the LSAT entailed, I walked into the LSAT and took the exam. I managed to score a 150 - which is not a high score, at all! But, it didn't matter to me because I had a plan.
I was going to attend law school so that I could marry and support my ex-boyfriend until he fulfilled HIS dream of going to law school. Then, I would pursue my dream of an M.D. while he supported our future family. I was a proud girl - ring on my finger and dreams in my heart. The names of our future children and the vision of our future home in Pasadena pushed me through the application process. I was given the opportunity to attend a school in New York (Syracuse), a school in Florida and even UNLV. My ex-boyfriend, however, decided to inform me that he could not move in with me if I left California. My dreams were crushed. At the last minute, a good friend of mine informed me about a small law school in Ontario, California. I applied.
It was Summer of 2009, one week before I was supposed to move across the country for Law School. I had already exhausted all my other options: post-bacc and any other law school was out of the picture. I distinctly remember sitting outside the registration office of Santa Monica College - I was going to fulfill my science requirements to pursue an M.D. There was no way I could leave the boy I loved for a dream that I wasn't sure I wanted. If he wasn't moving in with me, I was going to finish my science requirements, postpone our marriage and be a neuropharmocologist. That's when my phone buzzed - an email from the law school in Ontario, California came in informing me that I had been accepted. It was the happiest day of my life - or so I thought.
Throughout my first year of law school, I was unsure of myself. There were moments where I would cry in my room because I felt so alone. My ex-fiance tried to support me, but his insecurities got in the way of his love. He accused me, constantly, of cheating on him. He often told me he didn't want me to feel like I had settled. He often left me crying in my bed after our fights, ignoring me and pushing me into a dark consumption. So, instead of focusing on law school, I went out with my friends twice a week and treated my graduate experience like an extension of undergraduate. I would have drinks with my friends, go to clubs and walk into class every day un-prepared. Then, my ex-boyfriend came around. Again, instead of focusing on law school, I consumed myself in trying to make him happy, trying to help him with his depression and overwhelming both of us with my obsession of making our future perfect. We both destroyed our relationship, but mostly, he destroyed my self-confidence and I allowed it.
My second year of law school, I had an amazing opportunity to be on the board of a local Bar Association in Los Angeles. I worked hard and found a passion for law, for human rights and for building a support system for my community. My ex-boyfriend broke off our engagement, began to have violent tendencies and constantly belittled my achievements. During the summer of 2010, I was given the opportunity to submit for Law Review. The night before the submission was due, I was sitting at the computer crying. The ex-boyfriend had finished berating my achievements, he had told me I was worthless and I became worthless - because I couldn't see how amazing my achievements had been. I couldn't bring myself to study for the California Civil Procedure final that I had the next evening. I couldn't bother to finish my submission for law review because I was consumed with thoughts that I wasn't good enough.
My ex-boyfriend and I decided to pursue couples therapy. We had held off our engagement, but we still wanted to work out our relationship (or so, I thought.) I was so focused on fixing something broken, that I couldn't see our relationship was unhealthy. He was acting strangely, speaking to a girl that I had never heard of before. My the first semester of my last year of law school, he constantly called me crying and telling me how much he hated me. Then, he would tell me he loves me and wants to work out our relationship. I would fall asleep listening to him tell me, "I fucked up on you. How could I walk away from someone as beautiful as you. I miss your intelligence; I miss your touch." I would constantly cry myself to sleep - hiding all my pain behind a smile. I could hear myself talking about him, see my friends hate the sound of his name because they could see that I was destroying myself. I couldn't stop the pattern I had fallen into: self-destruction. It wasn't until I met a person who made me feel like I had value that I bothered to look in the mirror and accept that I am a strong person who deserves to be valued and successful.
During the bar exam, my ex-boyfriend called me crying one night. He was telling me I was the only person that could make him happy and feel good. I told him I wanted nothing to do with him. To my surprise, I received a phone call at 3 in the morning. It was the girl that I had suspected he was cheating on me with, the girl he denied even having a friendship with. She told me to leave him alone, that he belonged to her. It shook my core, destroyed a budding relationship I had with the person that helped me feel valued and made me lose focus. During the bar exam, my ex-boyfriend told me how he wanted to mend our relationship, that he had stopped all contact with that girl and that he had just been using her. "If she wants to be a dumbass and get attached, that's her deal. I don't even like her like that; she's just there. She is nothing to me." I was angry. This young girl was a mother of two children and, instead of hating her for calling me and shaking my core, I wanted to help her. I called her; she confirmed that they were still dating. So,I told her I wanted the truth for both of us. I said, "I don't want to be your friend, but I think you need to know what he is saying. I'll be honest, I thought he and I could work things out, but I'm realizing he's just a liar. I am sure he says terrible, worse things about me. I think both of us deserve better. I am about to be a lawyer and you are a mother of two children. You choose your path, but on my part - I know that I want something better than this." She thanked me. I wished her the best. At that moment, I was so focused on myself, on my REAL future, that I knew what I needed to do - pass the bar exam.
So, I detached myself from the world for a whole month. I wrote in this blog. I studied my ass off for the bar exam. I don't have the results and I am hoping they are great - but let me tell you what I learned:
When you follow your passion and put yourself first, everything falls into place. I am now working for a law firm and have been producing some of the best work of my life. More importantly, I recently won an asylum case - a gang-asylum case. Those are the most difficult types of cases to have granted, but with all my hard work (and my wonderful friend's hard work) we won our case. My second semester of my law school career, I spend more time in the library then I had ever spend in my whole law school career. Though at time the process was frustrating, time consuming and the last thing I wanted to do - I worked hard for my client, worked hard for the case and I succeeded because I put myself and my client first.
I don't regret my relationship. Unfortunately, I am a constant optimist who has hope that people can overcome their obstacles and lead a fruitful life. I still believe in that boy and wish him the best. We brought out the worst in each other, but that doesn't mean either of us is a bad person. I don't know what the next chapter of my life will hold, but I do know one thing: I am putting myself first. The next chapter of my life will not include darkness, obsession or self-deprecation. Instead, I am focused on making my world a better, healthy environment.
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