I was lying in bed tonight, restless. It has been happening lately since the bar exam is literally days away. I am anxious and afraid. I am trying to keep a positive energy. But, I am also thinking about decisions.
One decision can change your life; it is either wrong or right. On the MBE portion of the exam, we are asked to deduce between four answers. Typically one will be clearly wrong, another one will look decent (but you know it's the wrong answer due to some nuance), then there are the two that seem so sweet. One will take you down a dark road and the other will lead to your sweet taste of success or happiness.
Decisions can be life changing and make the course of our paths different. They might make us walk in a different direction, towards something...away from something.
Its been a month and for some reason, I can't take a decision out of my head. I replay the words that I said and realize how something that seemed so right, was the complete opposite of what I was trying to say.
Words have different meanings. In words we find ambiguity or clarity. Sometimes an answer will change based on an "if" or "because." It is very much like life where our word choices can be our downfall.
Instead of, "I am going to miss you." A person will say, "you're leaving." Instead of telling someone, "I am so afraid to miss you." A person might say, "I don't know where this is going."
Instead of saying, "I need to focus on studying. I like you a lot, but need to turn my phone off. Don't worry. I will be thinking of you ." A person will say, "Maybe we should try to be friends for a while."
It's these decisions, word choices, that make or break a situation. I keep thinking about how many of my friends tell me: "never let someone know how you feel; they are just going to use you." We internalize these words and begin to over think things. It's the same with the bar exam. You stare at a hypo and start worrying, "maybe I should have said this....maybe that wasn't the right issue." Instead of going with what you know, you go with a misguided path of insecurity or fear.
I answered a text today while I was extremely happy. I had just bought the Hello Kitty Dodger Bobble Head. It led to a phone call. It led to a bittersweet moment wherein I realized: Once a tornado is away from a storm, maybe there can be peace. The decision to stay apart will make both those natural disasters a better environment. Some environments were not meant to be, but our decision to live through them can help us learn from our mistakes. Some answer choices are best left erased. In your time of confusion, they seem so promising... But it isn't the right choice for that fact-pattern.
Decisions will make or break you. Maybe I crushed my own heart thinking I was protecting it. It's frustrating, not having someone's positive energy around. Or being able to see them, knowing it will make you smile. It's frustrating staring at your choices and not knowing which one to make... Because you're so sure that it is the right answer, even though it is a huge red herring!
Like the MBE taught me - learn from your mistakes so you can get it right the next time. Decision of the day? I am going to smile every day and be positive. I will walk into that exam room with confidence because I deserve it. I have worked too hard not to succeed.
When I was 5 years old I made a decision. Now, at 25 - twent years later - it is game on. Decisions change our lives.... Which is why they should be well calculated.
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