Decisions

Decisions

I was lying in bed tonight, restless. It has been happening lately since the bar exam is literally days away. I am anxious and afraid. I am trying to keep a positive energy. But, I am also thinking about decisions.

One decision can change your life; it is either wrong or right. On the MBE portion of the exam, we are asked to deduce between four answers. Typically one will be clearly wrong, another one will look decent (but you know it's the wrong answer due to some nuance), then there are the two that seem so sweet. One will take you down a dark road and the other will lead to your sweet taste of success or happiness.

Decisions can be life changing and make the course of our paths different. They might make us walk in a different direction, towards something...away from something. 

Its been a month and for some reason, I can't take a decision out of my head. I replay the words that I said and realize how something that seemed so right, was the complete opposite of what I was trying to say.

Words have different meanings. In words we find ambiguity or clarity. Sometimes an answer will change based on an "if" or "because." It is very much like life where our word choices can be our downfall. 

Instead of, "I am going to miss you." A person will say, "you're leaving." Instead of telling someone, "I am so afraid to miss you." A person might say, "I don't know where this is going." 

Instead of saying, "I need to focus on studying. I like you a lot, but need to turn my phone off. Don't worry. I will be thinking of you ." A person will say, "Maybe we should try to be friends for a while."

It's these decisions, word choices, that make or break a situation. I keep thinking about how many of my friends tell me: "never let someone know how you feel; they are just going to use you." We internalize these words and begin to over think things. It's the same with the bar exam. You stare at a hypo and start worrying, "maybe I should have said this....maybe that wasn't the right issue." Instead of going with what you know, you go with a misguided path of insecurity or fear.

I answered a text today while I was extremely happy. I had just bought the Hello Kitty Dodger Bobble Head. It led to a phone call. It led to a bittersweet moment wherein I realized: Once a tornado is away from a storm, maybe there can be peace. The decision to stay apart will make both those natural disasters a better environment. Some environments were not meant to be, but our decision to live through them can help us learn from our mistakes. Some answer choices are best left erased. In your time of confusion, they seem so promising... But it isn't the right choice for that fact-pattern.

Decisions will make or break you. Maybe I crushed my own heart thinking I was protecting it. It's frustrating, not having someone's positive energy around. Or being able to see them, knowing it will make you smile. It's frustrating staring at your choices and not knowing which one to make... Because you're so sure that it is the right answer, even though it is a huge red herring!

Like the MBE taught me - learn from your mistakes so you can get it right the next time. Decision of the day? I am going to smile every day and be positive. I will walk into that exam room with confidence because I deserve it. I have worked too hard not to succeed. 

When I was 5 years old I made a decision. Now, at 25 - twent years later - it is game on. Decisions change our lives.... Which is why they should be well calculated.

The Open Heart

Some people don't deserve the energy we put into them. I've been listening to my friends talk about their friendship break-ups and their relationship break-ups. I myself have been thinking about my bout with a break-up, and my most recent miscommunication. It's hard to think that we spend so much time thinking about another person when they don't even seem to think about us.

I was told that at the end of the day, the most important thing is that we communicate what we desire to people. I agree on a superficial and idealistic level. But on a realistic level, at the end of the day the most important thing is that we protect our hearts and our skin. It all begins when we are babies. Babies are these ever curious creatures that need to be nurtured - parents cradle them in their arms to protect them from the harms of the world. The world is a place that quickly claims innocence and a lot of it has to do with the fact that people harden themselves. Instead of communicating and trying to find a middle ground - there are people in the world that are selfish. Instead of trying to make the world a better place - people let the darkness get the best of them and believe there is no good in the world.

The other day, my mother lost her wallet at the local grocery store. I watched her cry for an hour as she realized our house payment had been in the wallet - a total of $3,000. Low and behold, someone had turned in her wallet and hadn't even taken a cent. It's people like that, with integrity, morals and honesty that truly make this world an amazing place. People who are selfless are often seen as weak. In reality, those are the people that are strongest because they realize that they are vulnerable in a world of cats and dogs. They are vulnerable and still put their hearts out there to help other people and make the best of things.

One of the things that struck me while working with the Bar Association last year was how frustrated attorneys would get when they would offer free services to people. People would yell at them, scoff at them or treat them liked the attorney owed them everything. These attorneys would say to me, "I don't know why I keep doing this for people that are so ungrateful. They don't give a f*ck that I'm sitting here in the sun listening to them and trying to help when I could be in my backyard with my wife and kid." Yet time and time again, these same attorney show up at legal fairs to volunteer.

This girl I knew literally would put her heart on a platter because she was and still is a hopeless romantic. Her boyfriend would leave her in bed alone because he preferred watching soccer games on television or going on the internet. Rarely did he actually spend time with her when they were together. On her birthday, he would invite his friends to her house, drink beer and wouldn't even touch her, hold her hand or spend time with her. He would be accusing her of wanting to cheat or be up in her room watching soccer clips. This girl's boyfriend treated her like she was an object and rarely kissed her, held her hand or said thank you. This girl believed in her boyfriend so much that she would pay for his books for school, pack him a lunch every day and give him gas money because she always thought that if she could make his life easier, he would succeed and they would have a fairy tale ending.

I have a friend who is extremely giving. He spends his time listening to his friends cry about how terrible their lives are because they can't find a job or a man. Then, these friends will go behind his back and turn people against him. This guy listens to his friend tell him that they've given up on their dream, but still gives them a hand to hang on to. He even had the courage to visit the person he loved in jail while that person couldn't even say a simple, "I love you." I love this guy because he is filled with hope that there is good in the world, that this world has something amazing.

I had a friend once who came to my house because I couldn't breathe. My parents were on vacation and I was sick at home with strep throat, tonsillitis and pneumonia. She drove all the way to my house at 11:30 pm just to be there for me and sleep at my house so I wouldn't be alone.

My parents are extremely giving people, and I think it is from them I learned to have a kind heart and have humility. My father is the type of man that would pack a box of groceries for one of his secretaries because she didn't have enough food to feed her children. My mother is the type of woman who would pay for a person's mechanic bill because they couldn't afford it themselves. My parents are amazing and it makes me so angry when I see them get taken advantage of. But, there was something my mother told me once that made me realize how important it is to be giving.

My mother looked at me and said, "I don't regret giving away the things I've given even if a person is ungrateful, because at the end of the day I know that I did what I could to help them. One day, someone will really need the help I give and they will be truly grateful. You can't give up on the world because one person did you wrong."

People that give are the strongest people in this world because despite the cruel people in this world, they walk with their hearts and arms open. They know that they will be beat and stepped on. Yet, they sill go into the battlefield and do what they can do make a better life for themselves and for others.

It has made me realize that people are defined by how they live their life, not whom they live it with or what they have. These people don't have to give everything up to have someone be in their life because standing alone they are truly impeccable.

However, there are times when it is not worth it. Think about the energy we spend dwelling and obsessing over a person. I had a friend once who literally broke my heart. We were friends for a good 11 months when she finally showed her true colors. I begged for her to forgive me, asked her to work things out and would text her how I feel about her. One day, I woke up and realized I was apologizing to someone who wasn't worth my time. I had done nothing to her, she had her own insecurities and blamed them on me. I had opened my heart too wide.

So, I had to think about it: who am I living for?

Recognize the person in the mirror - I have looked in the mirror sometimes and not recognized the person staring back at me. I've felt lost and alone; I've even self-deprecated myself into believing no friends loved me or think about me. Shocker - I'm REALLY sensitive. It's something only my closest friends and family know about me. I hide it with sarcasm and a rough exterior. I express myself through words best, because I've been writing since I was four years old. I have an open heart, but I guard it and shield it because I've learned that at the end of the day, a person can only choose for themselves their own path. I can only control myself, I can't tell other people - beg other people - to be in my life. I'll open my heart, and people can see me as weak. At the end of the day, I'm living for me and for making the world a better place.

That girl that I though was my friend? She made me think that my own family hated me. Her lies would consume our family gatherings and people began to believe some of those lies she told. A snakes venom can be seen from a mile away and once a person has been poisoned, that poison seeps out. Her lies were uncovered and my family was there to support me at the end of the day. People will be deceived, but if you cannot learn to forgive, then you will never forget.

It's also important, though, to remember what Eleanor Roosevelt said: Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. At some point, when a snake spits their venom you have to think: who cares what that person thinks! You've given them so much of your time. Looking at your phone, checking your voicemail, seeing if they've sent you a message on Facebook, apologizing to them via text message. At the end of the day, there is a reason they are not on your road and in your life. It is because they do not deserve to be in your life.

The time you spend on them, the time you dwell? That's time you could be watching your favorite show, putting on make-up, hiking....

There are times where the pain will be so bad that we can't breathe, but we have to learn to stop begging. Someone who makes you beg doesn't deserve to have you in their life. They are clearly too insecure or too involved in their own darkness to be worth having in your life.

Never again will I try to change a person's mind or try to make them see my worth. If they can't see my worth, they are blind. People don't deserve the energy we put into them, but that doesn't mean we should close our hearts. I'm a hopeless romantic and optimist. I really believe that there is good in the world. There are people who are going to return wallets with $3,000, there are people who will drive to your house in the middle of the night and people in our lives that will be there to cradle us when we need protection. Before we can protect others, we need to learn to protect ourselves. It's easy to fall into darkness and take the easy way out. It's hard to open our hearts and keep giving, even though we've been hurt in the past. And, when someone opens their heart to you, don't overlook that person. They might not open their hearts to you again.

In life, we have to roll with the punches and protect ourselves, but keeping an open heart and being vulnerable can be a good thing. At the end of the day, the things you do will define you. Do you want to be the person that was selfish and stole $3,000? Or do you want to be the person that made a change in this world? Life rewards those that open their hearts and do good things.

That girl that would pack her boyfriend lunch all the time? That was me. I'm about to take the bar exam and become an attorney. He's consumed in a life of lies: lies to a girl while he tries to call me and beg me to come back. How do I know this? The poor girl called me. Last I heard, some of his closest friends have turned their back on him. The last time I spoke to him, he was crying about how he wished he had the past. It's too late. I opened my heart, he crushed it. I've learned my lesson with that one. Does it mean that I'm going to keep my heart closed to the rest of the world? No, because I know there are people out there who deserve to be in my life. People I can't wait to meet!

I know that lately I've opened up and spoken about the ex - maybe it's because it was a sore subject I never wanted to discuss. Seeing my friends hurt for similar reasons that I was hurt frustrates me because I can't protect them from pain. But, I can tell them that life will bring them amazing things by sharing my story.

We choose our own paths - we can choose a path of darkness or we can choose a life worth living. All that matters to me is that at the end of the day, I am happy. I have a family that supports me and friends that go to dinner with me at random Italian restaurants and have intellectual conversations with me - or make fun of me for pretending the blonde highlights have gotten to my head.

So, who am I living for? I am living for me. But, I'm never going to stop being a hopeless romantic or having an open heart because giving makes me happy. I don't give because I think it makes me look good, I give because it makes me feel like I've made the world a better place. It's not easy to have an open heart because being hurt is painful, but it's better than being the person who causes the pain. Those are the people that will never have a moment of TRUE happiness. Misery loves company, but courage has the power - an open heart has the power.

Happenstance

In life, I've always been a true believer that everything happens for a reason. It's something I learned in high school, and something that I've lived by since. Although, there are moments that I forget this important revelation I had in high school - because let's face it, we can't be on our A-game at every step of the way.

Last night, a close friend of mine married the love of her life. Her matron of honor had told everyone a story, about how everything in life happens for a reason. Their parents had met one day because their mother decided to leave her school and eat lunch with her friends at another high school. My friends, Mr and Mrs. met because Mr. just so happened to be walking down the stairs while Mrs. was randomly talking to her friends after class one night. They caught each others eyes. Those people were all at the right place, at the right time.

Okay, my story isn't a love story, but it is about chance. If I hadn't decided I was tired of Lean Cuisine today, I wouldn't have ran into an old friend.

As I was paying for my food today, I heard my name.
I turned around and instantly recognized the face; I smiled and said hello.
He looked at me and said: "Hey! I wasn't sure if it was you because usually you're all dressed up."

It made me think - years ago, while I was in college, there was a time when I would wake up every morning and put on make-up FOR MYSELF. I would pick out a dress, the perfect necklace and the perfect shoes, FOR MYSELF. Every time my friend has seen me is at a social gathering, wherein I have dressed up FOR MYSELF.

I went to school the other day. I had on a lace dress, white heels - that I've named Nikki and Cole - and I was done up. The minute I walked into the halls everyone asked me, "Who's the lucky guy?" "Special plans?" "You look dressed up! Hot date?" I wanted to scream at them. I had dressed up for MYSELF.

Well, this happenstance bump in made me think about how people perceive a person. My parents are constantly breathing down my neck about the bar exam.

My mother once told me she was worried I wouldn't make it through law school because I didn't know how to work hard. I was invited to write-on for law review, became a Student Trustee for a bar association, was president of the Latino Organization at my school AND I was on the Dean's List in law school. So, false. I do know how to work hard.

I think the most frustrating part, is my dad jokes about how I never study; he worries about me because other law students "take the bar seriously." He too enjoys telling me what to do with my life and where to go with my life.

Recently, I was told by a fellow law student that people didn't think I was very intelligent because I had analogized something to a necklace in Civil Procedure. People constantly thought I was air-headed and had no idea what I was talking about. I'm not top of the class - but if I wanted to be, I would have blown the world away. It's not something to brag about - I'm actually not proud of it, but I studied six hours for a final exam once, I received one of the highest grades. Natural intelligence can be beneficial, but it can also be someone's downfall. Happenstance reminded me that I can prove people wrong and that not everything you see on the outside is what is on the inside.

At the wedding yesterday, I forgot about how amazing the people are in my life. The dinners we would plan once a month, the random moments at a bar in Los Angeles laughing about the flowers in our martinis; the sleep overs and lists of places we want to explore. It made me think about how every person in life has something to teach you - and if they don't then it teaches you what you don't want to have in your life.
So, how did I meet these people? Happenstance. If I had not been in a relationship (even if it was terrible), if I wasn't a hopeless romantic - I'd be studying law at Syracuse or UNLV. If I hadn't stayed in California, I wouldn't have realized my true worth and wouldn't have been able to write you a story about a light at the end of the tunnel. I'd probably still be in the tunnel! More importantly, I wouldn't have developed such strong relationships with my friends and I wouldn't have met the amazing people I know now. We wouldn't have had game nights at my house, or tapas in Pasadena. These people are truly inspiring - each of them.

My friends from law school. If my "Law School Bestie" hadn't been sitting alone, if I hadn't of wanted to make a new friend, she wouldn't be in my life. There would be no Hello Kitty Crew. We wouldn't have spent 8 hours studying our booties off for Business Organizations. We wouldn't have realized how capable we are! She wouldn't have been there to help me out of a storm. She wouldn't have been there, every day of law school, to make me laugh and smile. I wouldn't have made it through law school.
If I hadn't started working on an immigration case, I would have never developed something with "Boo Boo Bear." If I hadn't asked her to walk through Downtown Los Angeles and explore the library with me, we wouldn't have realized how much we have in common. We wouldn't have ran through the streets of Vegas feeling on top of the world! We wouldn't have been there for each other to remember that heartbreak doesn't have to be forever. She never would have invited me to Las Vegas where I started chatting with "Pen Stealer." And I wouldn't laugh every day at some joke "Pen Stealer" made via text message because he, yet again, stole one of my pens - I'm very serious about office supplies and pens. I love them! He wouldn't be there to remind me to stop taking life so seriously. I also probably wouldn't have gotten that speeding ticket, by the way.

Every person in our life comes in it for a reason.

Last night, Dentist's scent was on my pillow. It made me sad because I wish I wouldn't have been so scared of being hurt before the bar. But, I think his scent was there because I needed to remember that I can't hang on to yesterday. I also need to remember that I can't be so quick to assume someone is going to hurt me.

Bumping into my friend at Chipotle - happenstance. It was to remind me that there are more days to come tomorrow, more friends to make and people to meet. It's to remind me that after the bar exam, life begins and people are waiting for me.

Most importantly, it was to inspire me to write this... everything happens for a reason. Happenstance is there to remind us that sometimes we need a little push to be inspired and to do better. It's also there to bring amazing things into our lives. So, if you happen to find yourself in a moment - take it.

Light at the End of the Tunnel

I feel like there are times in life where I have these amazing revelations, but lately I've been coming up empty. Mostly because I've been letting external influences get the best of me, but that doesn't mean that it will shake my core. I'm in the end of studying for the bar and little to no idea what I am doing with myself. Fear. Stress. Confusion...

Yet, though it has been on my mind all day, the bar exam is not what is on my mind now.

What is on my mind is this: there are times in our lives where a person will help change our lives when we least expect it, and they will be gone with the wind just as quickly as they entered our lives.

People think I am an open book, and perhaps on the outskirts of life I am a tell-all version of what a reality show should be like. Society tells us we aren't supposed to TRULY express how we feel. Many times, we're afraid to open ourselves up. Rarely, do I truly tell anyone how I feel about them, about my life or about my experiences, until today.

Heartbreak happens, which I discussed. It's the healing that's hard.

At the age of 18, I was admitted into one of the most prestigious schools on the West Coast - in my admissions application I had analogized my life to a rain drop that had found its way. I embarked on a journey that would take me to a double major in Psychology and Organizational Studies with a minor in Chicano Studies (granted I was qualified for a triple major, but did not petition.) Little did I know that the storm would not be over for me until Law School.

Society would never dream that a person, a woman, like me could ever fall so deep into manipulation, but I did. For nearly six years of my life, I was oppressed and hiding behind the shadows of a smile and a laugh. On the outside, I was confident, driven and nothing could get in my way. On the outside, I was beautiful and shining. On the inside, I was torn, depressed and constantly dreaming of a way out. I wasn't allowed to be upset, so I learned to self-control and consume myself in school, work and helping others. The last person I realized I needed to help was myself.

Even now, I'm ashamed to admit that a person as powerful as I am now allowed someone to break me down - but it happened. I am telling my story because I want people to know that there is a way out - there is a light at the end of the tunnel. You just have to let things go and realize you are more important.

So, here it goes...

For six years of my life, from the age of 17 to 23, I was in a relationship with a coward - who I thought was perfect. Love truly is blind. This person used to push me, pin me against walls, verbally abuse me and constantly bring me down. I always thought I deserved it because he made me feel inadequate, and I let him. He made me believe that no one in this world would ever like me, love me or look at me the way he did. So, on the outside - I was confident, smiling and always happy (the typical social butterfly.) Deep inside, I was miserable, constantly afraid and silent. People will judge me - they will judge you. They will tell you they don't understand why you put up with it, and the honest truth is that people don't know why they put up with manipulation. However, the important thing now, is that I tell my story because I think a part of it was that I couldn't imagine a way out - I didn't see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I ended things with him one day, because he hit me. So, I looked in the mirror and I told myself - this isn't what I want or deserve in life. I deserve better and I need to get out.

You deserve better. Being UNHAPPY is the defining factor, the fact that there is no violence shouldn't be your indicator. Just because someone brought you a moment of joy, doesn't mean you deserve to be in a sea of misery. If the person makes you cry, makes you feel less than you are TRULY worth - and trust me, you're worth A LOT - then you need to look in the mirror. This is what I wish someone would have told me before I had to be slapped in the face to realize my worth.

At the beginning of a break-up, especially where the person was manipulative, you feel like you're in a cave. Everything is dark, you have no idea what is in front of you and you have no idea where you are going.

But, you trek through it...even when you feel a rope pulling you back, because you know - or at least hope - that the other side is going to be there. So, I started my journey.

For the first few months, I obsessed. I cried myself to sleep, I focused on law school and occasionally I'd cry in the library while reading something about Criminal Procedure because I couldn't get my mind off what was behind me.

Then, I asked myself - why am I doing this? My cousin, Jessica, was one of my inspirations - she still is. She looked at me and told me: you need to stop. You need to look at the person that you are and you need to realize that only you can change your own future. Stop.

So, I did. Maybe I had been manipulated in to believing I wasn't enough, but that wasn't my reality. Six years is a long time, but it is not and will not be the rest of my life. So, I started trekking through that cave - I realized that I am loveable. I am empowered and I do not need validation from anyone other than myself.

I started running; doing things I forgot I loved to do - read, travel, take pictures, write, hike up a canyon to see some stupid waterfall (jk, I loved it). I even forgot that I used to play the piano. And I saw the light, I could see it...and I thought, I'm there. I've reached the end.

Well, here's the kicker. I met someone - heartbreak happens, and we shouldn't let it define us. We should focus on the light at the end of the tunnel. But, we also need to realize that we can't forget the path we took to get to the end, because it will effect us.

When I first met him - we will call him, "Dentist" - I thought he was so sweet. I was myself around him, confident, happy and I conveyed it. I liked him and he liked me. But what I couldn't see is that the scars from trekking through that cave, were still there and I hadn't quite learned to trust a new adventure. I liked Dentist, but imagine my surprise when I was the person that called him three days before he left to school across the state and told him I wasn't sure where we were going.

Plain and simple:

I was afraid and because I never learned to say the most simple sentence: "I like you. You make me smile and I want to see where this could go," he thought I wanted to end things. So, he did what any person who had been hit would do - he walked away from the blow.

I wish I could go back to yesterday. I'd tell that person just how I feel, but instead I focus on the future - on the light at the end of the tunnel because I realize that it's through trekking through life that we learn from our mistakes. Not everything is going to be a storm, and sometimes we will make mistakes because we expect the storm to hit. Dentist was great and I honestly hope that one day, we meet again.

So, here is what I wish I could say now:

"Dentist,

You changed my life. You came into it quickly and it was bittersweet. You made me laugh and you shared a piece of your life with me. Thank you. I'm sorry things went sour because I was too afraid to express how I feel. We didn't get to say our last goodbyes, but what I do know is this: I'll be thinking of you from time to time. It'll make me smile, but most importantly - I'll be thanking you for making me realize I have to focus on one thing - the BAR EXAM. I'm telling you now that you've changed my life because you taught me something: if you want something in life, you have to go for it. You had a goal and you focused on it. I have a dream and I'll get there."

Maybe I'll meet him again... But what I care about NOW is remembering I have something more important at my reach. It's what I've been dreaming of since I was 5 years old when I walked into my classroom with a brief case, just to tell everyone that I would be a lawyer one day....

I am looking at the light at the end of the tunnel - because it IS there- I promise. And if you need help - never be afraid to ask. I said that I'm not good at expressing how I feel, well in this case - I learned I need to reach out and tell people how I feel (or if I need a hand.) An important friend of mine did me the greatest favor: he agreed to take away my IPhone and change my Facebook password. Society is so driven by technology these days! But you know what? I love him for it because I know that at the end of the day, he is one of the supports I need to reach my light... and a girl should never be without those people in her life that truly, unconditionally love her. In my case: my parents, my family and my true blue friends.

My focus in life right now is to pass the bar - focus on the bar and not look over my shoulder at the, "what if I had only said what I meant?" Mistakes happen, we can't let them define us - but more importantly - we have to look at the light. We have to reach for the light and we need to realize, I need to realize, that right now the light is on July 24th. I am days away from taking the bar exam.

I need to pass the bar; do it once and work harder than I have EVER worked in my entire life for the rest of this month. Because after that, the rest of my life I can spend it looking for a new adventure, a new light and realize that there is always a light at the end of the tunnel. Sometimes it'll be worth it, sometimes it will be a missed opportunity - but above all else - I have to remember that nothing in life is free. So if trek is what I need to do to see where the light will lead - then trek I shall.

To my loves: look for your light at the end of the tunnel. Remember how beautiful of a person you are and remind yourself EVERY day of your life that you mean the world to someone - to me. You think I'm confident, strong and incapable of being hurt. Everyone falls, everyone gets hurt. It's HOW you get back up that makes the difference. It doesn't matter how many tears I get on my arms, how many 2am phone calls I receive... a true friend loves unconditionally. A true friend would spend an hour writing about things she NEVER talks about just so that you can see that there is a way out. You will meet someone new and even if it doesn't go the way you want or think, at the end of the day you have the most important person by your side: YOURSELF. Look for your light. Never forget your scars, but PLEASE don't turn your back on the light at the end of the tunnel because I am there waiting for you on the other side. A better tomorrow is waiting for you.

And if all else fails, think about how sexy you'll look with your Berkin, Rolex or whatever your poison may be. Dwelling isn't going to get you to that goal. When you see me with my Berkin as I walk through the State Capitol, you'll know I've reached my goal. :)