Yet, though it has been on my mind all day, the bar exam is not what is on my mind now.
What is on my mind is this: there are times in our lives where a person will help change our lives when we least expect it, and they will be gone with the wind just as quickly as they entered our lives.
People think I am an open book, and perhaps on the outskirts of life I am a tell-all version of what a reality show should be like. Society tells us we aren't supposed to TRULY express how we feel. Many times, we're afraid to open ourselves up. Rarely, do I truly tell anyone how I feel about them, about my life or about my experiences, until today.
Heartbreak happens, which I discussed. It's the healing that's hard.
At the age of 18, I was admitted into one of the most prestigious schools on the West Coast - in my admissions application I had analogized my life to a rain drop that had found its way. I embarked on a journey that would take me to a double major in Psychology and Organizational Studies with a minor in Chicano Studies (granted I was qualified for a triple major, but did not petition.) Little did I know that the storm would not be over for me until Law School.
Society would never dream that a person, a woman, like me could ever fall so deep into manipulation, but I did. For nearly six years of my life, I was oppressed and hiding behind the shadows of a smile and a laugh. On the outside, I was confident, driven and nothing could get in my way. On the outside, I was beautiful and shining. On the inside, I was torn, depressed and constantly dreaming of a way out. I wasn't allowed to be upset, so I learned to self-control and consume myself in school, work and helping others. The last person I realized I needed to help was myself.
Even now, I'm ashamed to admit that a person as powerful as I am now allowed someone to break me down - but it happened. I am telling my story because I want people to know that there is a way out - there is a light at the end of the tunnel. You just have to let things go and realize you are more important.
So, here it goes...
For six years of my life, from the age of 17 to 23, I was in a relationship with a coward - who I thought was perfect. Love truly is blind. This person used to push me, pin me against walls, verbally abuse me and constantly bring me down. I always thought I deserved it because he made me feel inadequate, and I let him. He made me believe that no one in this world would ever like me, love me or look at me the way he did. So, on the outside - I was confident, smiling and always happy (the typical social butterfly.) Deep inside, I was miserable, constantly afraid and silent. People will judge me - they will judge you. They will tell you they don't understand why you put up with it, and the honest truth is that people don't know why they put up with manipulation. However, the important thing now, is that I tell my story because I think a part of it was that I couldn't imagine a way out - I didn't see the light at the end of the tunnel.
I ended things with him one day, because he hit me. So, I looked in the mirror and I told myself - this isn't what I want or deserve in life. I deserve better and I need to get out.
You deserve better. Being UNHAPPY is the defining factor, the fact that there is no violence shouldn't be your indicator. Just because someone brought you a moment of joy, doesn't mean you deserve to be in a sea of misery. If the person makes you cry, makes you feel less than you are TRULY worth - and trust me, you're worth A LOT - then you need to look in the mirror. This is what I wish someone would have told me before I had to be slapped in the face to realize my worth.
At the beginning of a break-up, especially where the person was manipulative, you feel like you're in a cave. Everything is dark, you have no idea what is in front of you and you have no idea where you are going.
But, you trek through it...even when you feel a rope pulling you back, because you know - or at least hope - that the other side is going to be there. So, I started my journey.
For the first few months, I obsessed. I cried myself to sleep, I focused on law school and occasionally I'd cry in the library while reading something about Criminal Procedure because I couldn't get my mind off what was behind me.
Then, I asked myself - why am I doing this? My cousin, Jessica, was one of my inspirations - she still is. She looked at me and told me: you need to stop. You need to look at the person that you are and you need to realize that only you can change your own future. Stop.
So, I did. Maybe I had been manipulated in to believing I wasn't enough, but that wasn't my reality. Six years is a long time, but it is not and will not be the rest of my life. So, I started trekking through that cave - I realized that I am loveable. I am empowered and I do not need validation from anyone other than myself.
I started running; doing things I forgot I loved to do - read, travel, take pictures, write, hike up a canyon to see some stupid waterfall (jk, I loved it). I even forgot that I used to play the piano. And I saw the light, I could see it...and I thought, I'm there. I've reached the end.
Well, here's the kicker. I met someone - heartbreak happens, and we shouldn't let it define us. We should focus on the light at the end of the tunnel. But, we also need to realize that we can't forget the path we took to get to the end, because it will effect us.
When I first met him - we will call him, "Dentist" - I thought he was so sweet. I was myself around him, confident, happy and I conveyed it. I liked him and he liked me. But what I couldn't see is that the scars from trekking through that cave, were still there and I hadn't quite learned to trust a new adventure. I liked Dentist, but imagine my surprise when I was the person that called him three days before he left to school across the state and told him I wasn't sure where we were going.
Plain and simple:
I was afraid and because I never learned to say the most simple sentence: "I like you. You make me smile and I want to see where this could go," he thought I wanted to end things. So, he did what any person who had been hit would do - he walked away from the blow.
I wish I could go back to yesterday. I'd tell that person just how I feel, but instead I focus on the future - on the light at the end of the tunnel because I realize that it's through trekking through life that we learn from our mistakes. Not everything is going to be a storm, and sometimes we will make mistakes because we expect the storm to hit. Dentist was great and I honestly hope that one day, we meet again.
So, here is what I wish I could say now:
"Dentist,
You changed my life. You came into it quickly and it was bittersweet. You made me laugh and you shared a piece of your life with me. Thank you. I'm sorry things went sour because I was too afraid to express how I feel. We didn't get to say our last goodbyes, but what I do know is this: I'll be thinking of you from time to time. It'll make me smile, but most importantly - I'll be thanking you for making me realize I have to focus on one thing - the BAR EXAM. I'm telling you now that you've changed my life because you taught me something: if you want something in life, you have to go for it. You had a goal and you focused on it. I have a dream and I'll get there."
Maybe I'll meet him again... But what I care about NOW is remembering I have something more important at my reach. It's what I've been dreaming of since I was 5 years old when I walked into my classroom with a brief case, just to tell everyone that I would be a lawyer one day....
I am looking at the light at the end of the tunnel - because it IS there- I promise. And if you need help - never be afraid to ask. I said that I'm not good at expressing how I feel, well in this case - I learned I need to reach out and tell people how I feel (or if I need a hand.) An important friend of mine did me the greatest favor: he agreed to take away my IPhone and change my Facebook password. Society is so driven by technology these days! But you know what? I love him for it because I know that at the end of the day, he is one of the supports I need to reach my light... and a girl should never be without those people in her life that truly, unconditionally love her. In my case: my parents, my family and my true blue friends.
My focus in life right now is to pass the bar - focus on the bar and not look over my shoulder at the, "what if I had only said what I meant?" Mistakes happen, we can't let them define us - but more importantly - we have to look at the light. We have to reach for the light and we need to realize, I need to realize, that right now the light is on July 24th. I am days away from taking the bar exam.
I need to pass the bar; do it once and work harder than I have EVER worked in my entire life for the rest of this month. Because after that, the rest of my life I can spend it looking for a new adventure, a new light and realize that there is always a light at the end of the tunnel. Sometimes it'll be worth it, sometimes it will be a missed opportunity - but above all else - I have to remember that nothing in life is free. So if trek is what I need to do to see where the light will lead - then trek I shall.
To my loves: look for your light at the end of the tunnel. Remember how beautiful of a person you are and remind yourself EVERY day of your life that you mean the world to someone - to me. You think I'm confident, strong and incapable of being hurt. Everyone falls, everyone gets hurt. It's HOW you get back up that makes the difference. It doesn't matter how many tears I get on my arms, how many 2am phone calls I receive... a true friend loves unconditionally. A true friend would spend an hour writing about things she NEVER talks about just so that you can see that there is a way out. You will meet someone new and even if it doesn't go the way you want or think, at the end of the day you have the most important person by your side: YOURSELF. Look for your light. Never forget your scars, but PLEASE don't turn your back on the light at the end of the tunnel because I am there waiting for you on the other side. A better tomorrow is waiting for you.
And if all else fails, think about how sexy you'll look with your Berkin, Rolex or whatever your poison may be. Dwelling isn't going to get you to that goal. When you see me with my Berkin as I walk through the State Capitol, you'll know I've reached my goal. :)
No comments:
Post a Comment