I was told that at the end of the day, the most important thing is that we communicate what we desire to people. I agree on a superficial and idealistic level. But on a realistic level, at the end of the day the most important thing is that we protect our hearts and our skin. It all begins when we are babies. Babies are these ever curious creatures that need to be nurtured - parents cradle them in their arms to protect them from the harms of the world. The world is a place that quickly claims innocence and a lot of it has to do with the fact that people harden themselves. Instead of communicating and trying to find a middle ground - there are people in the world that are selfish. Instead of trying to make the world a better place - people let the darkness get the best of them and believe there is no good in the world.
The other day, my mother lost her wallet at the local grocery store. I watched her cry for an hour as she realized our house payment had been in the wallet - a total of $3,000. Low and behold, someone had turned in her wallet and hadn't even taken a cent. It's people like that, with integrity, morals and honesty that truly make this world an amazing place. People who are selfless are often seen as weak. In reality, those are the people that are strongest because they realize that they are vulnerable in a world of cats and dogs. They are vulnerable and still put their hearts out there to help other people and make the best of things.
One of the things that struck me while working with the Bar Association last year was how frustrated attorneys would get when they would offer free services to people. People would yell at them, scoff at them or treat them liked the attorney owed them everything. These attorneys would say to me, "I don't know why I keep doing this for people that are so ungrateful. They don't give a f*ck that I'm sitting here in the sun listening to them and trying to help when I could be in my backyard with my wife and kid." Yet time and time again, these same attorney show up at legal fairs to volunteer.
This girl I knew literally would put her heart on a platter because she was and still is a hopeless romantic. Her boyfriend would leave her in bed alone because he preferred watching soccer games on television or going on the internet. Rarely did he actually spend time with her when they were together. On her birthday, he would invite his friends to her house, drink beer and wouldn't even touch her, hold her hand or spend time with her. He would be accusing her of wanting to cheat or be up in her room watching soccer clips. This girl's boyfriend treated her like she was an object and rarely kissed her, held her hand or said thank you. This girl believed in her boyfriend so much that she would pay for his books for school, pack him a lunch every day and give him gas money because she always thought that if she could make his life easier, he would succeed and they would have a fairy tale ending.
I have a friend who is extremely giving. He spends his time listening to his friends cry about how terrible their lives are because they can't find a job or a man. Then, these friends will go behind his back and turn people against him. This guy listens to his friend tell him that they've given up on their dream, but still gives them a hand to hang on to. He even had the courage to visit the person he loved in jail while that person couldn't even say a simple, "I love you." I love this guy because he is filled with hope that there is good in the world, that this world has something amazing.
I had a friend once who came to my house because I couldn't breathe. My parents were on vacation and I was sick at home with strep throat, tonsillitis and pneumonia. She drove all the way to my house at 11:30 pm just to be there for me and sleep at my house so I wouldn't be alone.
My parents are extremely giving people, and I think it is from them I learned to have a kind heart and have humility. My father is the type of man that would pack a box of groceries for one of his secretaries because she didn't have enough food to feed her children. My mother is the type of woman who would pay for a person's mechanic bill because they couldn't afford it themselves. My parents are amazing and it makes me so angry when I see them get taken advantage of. But, there was something my mother told me once that made me realize how important it is to be giving.
My mother looked at me and said, "I don't regret giving away the things I've given even if a person is ungrateful, because at the end of the day I know that I did what I could to help them. One day, someone will really need the help I give and they will be truly grateful. You can't give up on the world because one person did you wrong."
People that give are the strongest people in this world because despite the cruel people in this world, they walk with their hearts and arms open. They know that they will be beat and stepped on. Yet, they sill go into the battlefield and do what they can do make a better life for themselves and for others.
It has made me realize that people are defined by how they live their life, not whom they live it with or what they have. These people don't have to give everything up to have someone be in their life because standing alone they are truly impeccable.
However, there are times when it is not worth it. Think about the energy we spend dwelling and obsessing over a person. I had a friend once who literally broke my heart. We were friends for a good 11 months when she finally showed her true colors. I begged for her to forgive me, asked her to work things out and would text her how I feel about her. One day, I woke up and realized I was apologizing to someone who wasn't worth my time. I had done nothing to her, she had her own insecurities and blamed them on me. I had opened my heart too wide.
So, I had to think about it: who am I living for?
Recognize the person in the mirror - I have looked in the mirror sometimes and not recognized the person staring back at me. I've felt lost and alone; I've even self-deprecated myself into believing no friends loved me or think about me. Shocker - I'm REALLY sensitive. It's something only my closest friends and family know about me. I hide it with sarcasm and a rough exterior. I express myself through words best, because I've been writing since I was four years old. I have an open heart, but I guard it and shield it because I've learned that at the end of the day, a person can only choose for themselves their own path. I can only control myself, I can't tell other people - beg other people - to be in my life. I'll open my heart, and people can see me as weak. At the end of the day, I'm living for me and for making the world a better place.
That girl that I though was my friend? She made me think that my own family hated me. Her lies would consume our family gatherings and people began to believe some of those lies she told. A snakes venom can be seen from a mile away and once a person has been poisoned, that poison seeps out. Her lies were uncovered and my family was there to support me at the end of the day. People will be deceived, but if you cannot learn to forgive, then you will never forget.
It's also important, though, to remember what Eleanor Roosevelt said: Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. At some point, when a snake spits their venom you have to think: who cares what that person thinks! You've given them so much of your time. Looking at your phone, checking your voicemail, seeing if they've sent you a message on Facebook, apologizing to them via text message. At the end of the day, there is a reason they are not on your road and in your life. It is because they do not deserve to be in your life.
The time you spend on them, the time you dwell? That's time you could be watching your favorite show, putting on make-up, hiking....
There are times where the pain will be so bad that we can't breathe, but we have to learn to stop begging. Someone who makes you beg doesn't deserve to have you in their life. They are clearly too insecure or too involved in their own darkness to be worth having in your life.
Never again will I try to change a person's mind or try to make them see my worth. If they can't see my worth, they are blind. People don't deserve the energy we put into them, but that doesn't mean we should close our hearts. I'm a hopeless romantic and optimist. I really believe that there is good in the world. There are people who are going to return wallets with $3,000, there are people who will drive to your house in the middle of the night and people in our lives that will be there to cradle us when we need protection. Before we can protect others, we need to learn to protect ourselves. It's easy to fall into darkness and take the easy way out. It's hard to open our hearts and keep giving, even though we've been hurt in the past. And, when someone opens their heart to you, don't overlook that person. They might not open their hearts to you again.
In life, we have to roll with the punches and protect ourselves, but keeping an open heart and being vulnerable can be a good thing. At the end of the day, the things you do will define you. Do you want to be the person that was selfish and stole $3,000? Or do you want to be the person that made a change in this world? Life rewards those that open their hearts and do good things.
That girl that would pack her boyfriend lunch all the time? That was me. I'm about to take the bar exam and become an attorney. He's consumed in a life of lies: lies to a girl while he tries to call me and beg me to come back. How do I know this? The poor girl called me. Last I heard, some of his closest friends have turned their back on him. The last time I spoke to him, he was crying about how he wished he had the past. It's too late. I opened my heart, he crushed it. I've learned my lesson with that one. Does it mean that I'm going to keep my heart closed to the rest of the world? No, because I know there are people out there who deserve to be in my life. People I can't wait to meet!
I know that lately I've opened up and spoken about the ex - maybe it's because it was a sore subject I never wanted to discuss. Seeing my friends hurt for similar reasons that I was hurt frustrates me because I can't protect them from pain. But, I can tell them that life will bring them amazing things by sharing my story.
We choose our own paths - we can choose a path of darkness or we can choose a life worth living. All that matters to me is that at the end of the day, I am happy. I have a family that supports me and friends that go to dinner with me at random Italian restaurants and have intellectual conversations with me - or make fun of me for pretending the blonde highlights have gotten to my head.
So, who am I living for? I am living for me. But, I'm never going to stop being a hopeless romantic or having an open heart because giving makes me happy. I don't give because I think it makes me look good, I give because it makes me feel like I've made the world a better place. It's not easy to have an open heart because being hurt is painful, but it's better than being the person who causes the pain. Those are the people that will never have a moment of TRUE happiness. Misery loves company, but courage has the power - an open heart has the power.
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