Shine Bright Like A Diamond

It never ceases to amaze me the revelations I make when I'm traversing through the wonders of life. This path I lead is quite a tumultuous tumble and I'm beginning to realize that most of it is my fault.

It's come to a point where my story has been played out and I'm just tired of talking about the pig I have to call my ex-boyfriend. Most of the time, my dad and I jokingly say, "I wasn't aware you/I had an ex boyfriend." I like that tale much better.

Long story short, the pig showed up at my work a month ago begging me to unblock him and to speak to him. He told me he really felt the love for me and was sorry he couldn't get his shit together, crying. He asked for another chance. I told him I didn't want to be with him, but we'll see how it goes because coming to my work took a lot of guts...

Fast forward three weeks, I had this sudden inkling that I should go online. There it was - that girl who had called me months before had a picture of them. I called him and told him he had a girlfriend. "No, Nor! She's obsessed with me. She's fucking obsessed. I'll talk to you tomorrow."

I paced my room. The thought that a person I put on a pedestal for six years could do something so sneaky made me mad, angry. Even worse? I wasn't the one who was trying to mend the relationship! I felt betrayed. I called the girl because I had saved her number. Two hour conversation later we both discovered he had been having sex with her at MY FATHER'S office while he was still supposedly trying to work out our relationship - among other terrible things like the fact that his mother was lying to both of us. She told me not to think I was better than her because of all this mess. Funny thing, I remember wondering why he was so kind to me those Saturdays I needed him to cover my shift because Law School required more time from me. She broke up with him, he called me and told me I was poison. I told him never to speak to me again. Then, he called again saying he was sorry for everything he ever did. But, I could hear the arrogance in his voice. This bastard actually believes what he did was okay because it wasn't like he "really" cheated.

The girl is still with him, even after all she knows about what he said about her being obsessive, stupid and that he would never really love her because he'll always love me (his words, not mine). I, on the other hand, now realize that I AM better than her. Not because I have a law degree and am about to be an attorney, not because I worked my ass off for eight years to get through college and law school, not even because I'm going to be making six figures one day - though, those are all awesome perks to being me!! :)

Back on track: I am better because I will never allow that manipulative pig to convince me he is worth more than me, ever again. He's playing the same game with her that he did with me for six years. She is falling for it and I am moving forward. On top of the fact that she is posting pictures publicly for me to see and directing rude comments towards me. Unfortunately for her, I don't check Facebook and have heard such news from my friends whom feel the need to tell me - P.s. Friends, please stop! Most of them tell me she's very unattractive, but that shouldn't matter. Aside from the fact that I'm just happy to be out of that disgusting triangle - self respecting woman, right here!

Obviously I am mad. But, mostly, I am relieved the ordeal is over. I realize he guilted me into a relationship by making me believe other girls were crazy, making me believe he needed me. When I started to second-guess him, he demeaned me and made me feel like less of a person so that I would believe no one else would want to be with me. And what it all boils down to is my own self-image: I let his words be my truth, when all along my reality should have been my own truth. My truth? I am a diamond. I am a gem. I deserve the world. Shoot, maybe the world deserves me! And, sometimes, being an optimist is the WRONG choice. It's okay to realize that there are some fucked up people in this world.

So, my new goal in life is to shine bright like a diamond. How am I doing that? I am focusing on myself and realizing what I am capable of doing - and I am not alone in this journey.

You see, I have my family and I have my friends. I've even turned my faith back to God. The day this all went down, I received a phone call from the Dentist. He was the only other person I'd ever cried over because I lost him in my life. To no surprise, three weeks later I reset my iPhone because when it comes to technology I am mildly retarded. I couldn't figure out how to change a contact name, so I decided to reset my phone and reload all my contacts. Idiotic. I've come to find out it has something to do with how you store contacts through your emails. Stupid technology. It rebooted old conversations I had with Dentist and it made me realize what a tool I was because I was so afraid he would hurt me. I had this huge guard up - on top of the fact that I was studying for the bar exam. I apologized to him immediately afterwards (two days ago) and I am hopeful that he will remain a good friend. After all, everyone needs a handsome dentist in their life. I took it as a sign from God and from life that I would be okay. And I am.

On a side note, there's a bunch of songs out right now using references to diamonds. Since when did people forget that diamond's are a girl's best friend? I have this wine cup from a close friend of mine. It has those exact words: diamonds are a girls best friend. When I was young, I often referred to my friends as diamonds because diamonds are strong and bright. Plus, they make you happy.

Okay, so now that I've said all this, I want you all to know how amazing my life has been lately!!

On Friday, October 5, 2012, for some reason I didn't pack right away. I'm really not sure why - because lately I've had a terrible memory. I'm going to chalk it up to the fact that my brain has used most of its capacity on memorizing laws. In fact, it's often something my cousin, Chicka, likes to make fun of me for. She's a comedian, literally. I often hear her say: "At least you're pretty" or "Nor, wash your fucking hair!" I wash my hair every day now, needless to say. It's mostly because I couldn't take the constant taunting - and because I've noted the error of my ways in photographs. Now-a-days you'll find me sporting a sock bun.

P.s. Looked at those toned arms! Score!! I love bootcamp

So, October 5, 2012 rolls around and I was sitting in my room at 4am bawling and crying my eyes out. I was to embark on a wonderful journey to Mexico on October 6. The problem? I couldn't, for the life of me, find my fucking passport. There my mother was crying because she thought she misplaced my passport (I am still under the belief that she lost it.) My dad was searching through my room and I, for the first time in my life, cussed him out.

"Papa, I've already fucking checked my bed three times. You looking there isn't going to change the fact that it's NOT under my bed. Get out of my room. You're not going to like what you find under my bed!"

He gave me his classic "shocked face" and walked out of my room. I proceeded to cry again and wailed to the world, "that's it! I'm not going to Mexico!"

At 5:40am I was sleeping in my bed when my mother ran into my room, "I found it!"

"Go away. I'm sleeping."

"I found it! I found it"

"What? WHAT?! Where?!"

"In your suitcase."

My dad walks in. "See Nor, you WERE the one who lost it."

I looked at him, annoyed. "No, thank you. I did NOT put it in my suitcase. That's the dumbest place to put a passport."

"Go pack, we leave in 2 hours."

"Ugh."

We reach the airport and the rest of our group was venturing, slowly into the airport. We were going on a trip with 30 attorneys and friends of attorneys. My dad, who is worse at technology then I am, was staring into a giant computer.

"How do I check us in?" He asked, looking at the machine like it were a foreign object. One of the things that drives me nuts about my dad is that he literally types on a keyboard with two fingers. It makes me want to make him play the game I used to play when I was a kid: read, write and type. A God-awful game I was obsessed with that forced you to learn how to type and, quite frankly, would love to track down and play some time.

"Seriously?" I looked at him like he were an alien.

"Not all of us are travel experts like you, Mimis."

I threw my things down.

"Give me the confirmation code, I will show you how it is done."

I punched in the numbers.

'ERROR FINDING YOUR RESERVATION'

Type. Type. Type.

"ERROR FINDING YOUR RESERVATION'

"This machine is stupid."

My mom put her two cents in, "I think they gave us the wrong codes."

"Obviously." I chimed in, because that's what I'd rather believe than believing that a seasoned traveler like myself couldn't figure out how to use a computer. Stupid machine.

"Hey! I think you can put your passports in it. Give me your passport, Papa."

I took his passport. We both eyed the machine; now I felt like I was deteriorating to my father's level of technological prowess.

"Uhm, maybe you can put it in that little slot."

"Mimis, that's for credit cards."

"Yeah, but they wouldn't say you could use your passports unless you could shove a passport in there."

I proceeded to try to shove the passport into a small slot, clearly meant for a credit card. Yes. I swear I went to law school.

"What's that thing." My dad said, pointing to a little slot to the side of the screen.

"Oh, I think it's for passports...."

I wish I could say it was a hop, skip and a jump from there....but it wasn't. You see, my dumbass forgot that we had to check luggage. We had to track down a United Airlines clerk. We got onto the plane okay. As you can tell from my story, I made it back alive.

As we exited the plane in Merida, Mexico, I could only think one thing: it smells like moldy walls. Mexico in the summertime has this very distinctive smell that one can only describe as a musty, moldy wet smell. The tropical storms that plague Mexico often leave you in a state of confusion and terror as you try to figure out whether you should trek into the wind that blows away cars, at least in my head it blows away cars, or stay inside of a building and watch shopping carts fly into the store. I swear, this has happened to me.

SIDE STORY

My dad always convinces me that we should wait out storms. I don't know why I believe him. Let's picture three little kids: my brother Tavs, Chicka and myself with my dad. We were about 10, 12 and 13 in this little town called Tepotzlan.

"Look guys, everyone keeps walking in that direction. Let's follow them."

"I'm hungry." I said.

"I'm tired." Tavs said.

"I'm wearing platforms." Jessica said.

The four of us proceeded to walk over to this wooded area that resembled a place you would see in a horror film. My dad asked everyone where they were going. "It's a pyramid. Ruins. They're at the top of the mountain."

"How far away," my dad asked.

"Not far," everyone said.

We started walking. Two hours in, I had had it. I looked at my dad and said, "I'm NOT walking up this hill." "Fine, you can wait here. I knew you wouldn't be able to do it." This is a weakness of mine. I am stubborn and I like to prove people wrong. I sat with my arms crossed, angry. I watched as Tavs, Chicka and my dad walked up the hill. Then, I started to walk. I wasn't going to let my dad tell me what I could and couldn't do. Five hours later we made it to the top. Mind you, we had to walk up rickety ladders and across jagged edges. Only later to find out that there are five deaths a year up that terrible place. Chicka was complaining and irritated, "everyone kept saying we were almost there and it took us five hours to get here! I'm going to do the same thing when we walk down."

Tavs and Chicka started to walk down. I told my dad I wanted pictures by the pyramid, so we decided to meet Tavs and Chicka.

On the walk down, a tropical storm hit. My dad and I were getting drenched in hot, humid rain. I was beginning to look like a poor, little Mexican kid that belongs in the street. In fact, I actually did get some pesos from people once we finished the ordeal. My dad's bright idea? Let's stand under a rock and wait it out. Half an hour later the storm had not passed and I realized that our haven was actually a little water fall that the storm had created. My father and I proceeded to walk down as I kept getting dirt all over myself.

Meanwhile, Chicka was sitting at the bottom of the hill with Tavs. "They died. That's the only explanation, Tavs."

Tavs was crying.

"Seriously," Jessica said,"Noreen probably slipped and broke her leg and now Papa has to carry her down. Or maybe they fell off the cliff."

Tavs' eyes got big, "Maybe they drowned."

Then, there we were Papa and I walking slowly down the mountain as I pouted.

"You look like a poor, Mexican child, Weiner (my nickname)."

"Whatever."

So, again.... my dad has the uncanny ability to convince people that storms will pass - and they do, but not in the five minutes he thinks they will.

MAIN STORY LINE Whilst in Mexico, I met the governor of Yucatan and the Supreme Court Justice. I was able to meet and make some new friends. I am deadly afraid of heights, and I managed to go zip lining! It's always a beautiful moment hearing the judge you clerked for yell from behind, "Get over it and get on the zip line!"

Since my trip, I've been polishing my dim interior. All about self-image of yourself, right?

I wrote a motion for the law firm I am working, and it was granted! I am finally working my own case, under supervision - of course. Plus, a bunch of people have been telling me I am beautiful lately. My mom's friends, a gas station attendant, girls, boys. I think it's because I have this constant smile on my face at the fact that I really do have a blessed life.

Plus, I have to smile to hide the fact that I am in CONSTANT pain from training for a half-marathon. I f*cking hate running and decided it would be a good idea. I've lost about 12 pounds so far. I'd like to think of it as a total achievement. My friend Pea in a Pod and I have been texting each other non-stop. We are both re-vamping our lives and shining like the diamonds we are meant to be. She also has this uncanny ability to make me feel like I didn't do a bad thing...and that all I need to do is run an extra mile to make it all better.

I'll let you know how that marathon goes.

Put Yourself First

I have finally finished studying for and taking the bar exam. After the ordeal has ended, I have only one thought on my mind: put yourself first.

I do not, by any means, regret pursuing a Juris Doctor. However, there are moments in my life where I wonder what life would have been like had I pursued a "Doctor of Medicine" (MD.)

When I was a little girl, I always toyed with the idea of becoming a doctor. In fact, my father's dream for his little girl was for her to be a successful doctor. It was my dream throughout my college career. The minute I walked into my Neuroscience courses, I was enthralled by the topics, the subjects. I knew that if I pursued a Medical Doctor, I would be a Neuropharmocologist or a Neurologist. Even now, I have an unexplainable attraction to learning about the human brain.

Well, here is where my thought about why putting myself first comes in....

A good slap in the face: seeing an ad on Craigslist from a La Verne Law grad who was top of their class - they graduated with a 3.1 at an undergraduate state school.

I graduated with a 3.8 at a Claremont College (despite having pursued a Neuroscience major for 2 1/2 years.) As many science majors will tell you, it is f*cking difficult to do well in a science course. I was, by no means, an exceptional student. However, I followed the courses and path that I loved - because I had passion.

However, I was completely in love and head over heels for someone who was completely wrong for me. He was wrong for me because he didn't show me the love and support a person should expect and deserve from their significant other.

My last year of college, I was a complete mess. I had switched majors to Psychology and Organizational Studies (Business) with a minor in Chicano Studies. There were two requirements that I needed to fulfill to pursue an M.D., and I had already had my foot through the door for a post-bac degree in medicine at John's Hopkins or Scripps College - one of which would have guaranteed me admission into a Medical School. Instead, I asked my boyfriend for his opinion. He told me that he supported whichever decision I made, but I could hear in his voice that he didn't want me to leave. I had already been working three part-time jobs to support him, his family and myself, which to this day has gone unnoticed. So, in November of 2008 I made a rash decision and applied for the LSAT. Without a course to back me up and relatively no knowledge of what the LSAT entailed, I walked into the LSAT and took the exam. I managed to score a 150 - which is not a high score, at all! But, it didn't matter to me because I had a plan.

I was going to attend law school so that I could marry and support my ex-boyfriend until he fulfilled HIS dream of going to law school. Then, I would pursue my dream of an M.D. while he supported our future family. I was a proud girl - ring on my finger and dreams in my heart. The names of our future children and the vision of our future home in Pasadena pushed me through the application process. I was given the opportunity to attend a school in New York (Syracuse), a school in Florida and even UNLV. My ex-boyfriend, however, decided to inform me that he could not move in with me if I left California. My dreams were crushed. At the last minute, a good friend of mine informed me about a small law school in Ontario, California. I applied.

It was Summer of 2009, one week before I was supposed to move across the country for Law School. I had already exhausted all my other options: post-bacc and any other law school was out of the picture. I distinctly remember sitting outside the registration office of Santa Monica College - I was going to fulfill my science requirements to pursue an M.D. There was no way I could leave the boy I loved for a dream that I wasn't sure I wanted. If he wasn't moving in with me, I was going to finish my science requirements, postpone our marriage and be a neuropharmocologist. That's when my phone buzzed - an email from the law school in Ontario, California came in informing me that I had been accepted. It was the happiest day of my life - or so I thought.

Throughout my first year of law school, I was unsure of myself. There were moments where I would cry in my room because I felt so alone. My ex-fiance tried to support me, but his insecurities got in the way of his love. He accused me, constantly, of cheating on him. He often told me he didn't want me to feel like I had settled. He often left me crying in my bed after our fights, ignoring me and pushing me into a dark consumption. So, instead of focusing on law school, I went out with my friends twice a week and treated my graduate experience like an extension of undergraduate. I would have drinks with my friends, go to clubs and walk into class every day un-prepared. Then, my ex-boyfriend came around. Again, instead of focusing on law school, I consumed myself in trying to make him happy, trying to help him with his depression and overwhelming both of us with my obsession of making our future perfect. We both destroyed our relationship, but mostly, he destroyed my self-confidence and I allowed it.

My second year of law school, I had an amazing opportunity to be on the board of a local Bar Association in Los Angeles. I worked hard and found a passion for law, for human rights and for building a support system for my community. My ex-boyfriend broke off our engagement, began to have violent tendencies and constantly belittled my achievements. During the summer of 2010, I was given the opportunity to submit for Law Review. The night before the submission was due, I was sitting at the computer crying. The ex-boyfriend had finished berating my achievements, he had told me I was worthless and I became worthless - because I couldn't see how amazing my achievements had been. I couldn't bring myself to study for the California Civil Procedure final that I had the next evening. I couldn't bother to finish my submission for law review because I was consumed with thoughts that I wasn't good enough.

My ex-boyfriend and I decided to pursue couples therapy. We had held off our engagement, but we still wanted to work out our relationship (or so, I thought.) I was so focused on fixing something broken, that I couldn't see our relationship was unhealthy. He was acting strangely, speaking to a girl that I had never heard of before. My the first semester of my last year of law school, he constantly called me crying and telling me how much he hated me. Then, he would tell me he loves me and wants to work out our relationship. I would fall asleep listening to him tell me, "I fucked up on you. How could I walk away from someone as beautiful as you. I miss your intelligence; I miss your touch." I would constantly cry myself to sleep - hiding all my pain behind a smile. I could hear myself talking about him, see my friends hate the sound of his name because they could see that I was destroying myself. I couldn't stop the pattern I had fallen into: self-destruction. It wasn't until I met a person who made me feel like I had value that I bothered to look in the mirror and accept that I am a strong person who deserves to be valued and successful.

During the bar exam, my ex-boyfriend called me crying one night. He was telling me I was the only person that could make him happy and feel good. I told him I wanted nothing to do with him. To my surprise, I received a phone call at 3 in the morning. It was the girl that I had suspected he was cheating on me with, the girl he denied even having a friendship with. She told me to leave him alone, that he belonged to her. It shook my core, destroyed a budding relationship I had with the person that helped me feel valued and made me lose focus. During the bar exam, my ex-boyfriend told me how he wanted to mend our relationship, that he had stopped all contact with that girl and that he had just been using her. "If she wants to be a dumbass and get attached, that's her deal. I don't even like her like that; she's just there. She is nothing to me." I was angry. This young girl was a mother of two children and, instead of hating her for calling me and shaking my core, I wanted to help her. I called her; she confirmed that they were still dating. So,I told her I wanted the truth for both of us. I said, "I don't want to be your friend, but I think you need to know what he is saying. I'll be honest, I thought he and I could work things out, but I'm realizing he's just a liar. I am sure he says terrible, worse things about me. I think both of us deserve better. I am about to be a lawyer and you are a mother of two children. You choose your path, but on my part - I know that I want something better than this." She thanked me. I wished her the best. At that moment, I was so focused on myself, on my REAL future, that I knew what I needed to do - pass the bar exam.

So, I detached myself from the world for a whole month. I wrote in this blog. I studied my ass off for the bar exam. I don't have the results and I am hoping they are great - but let me tell you what I learned:
When you follow your passion and put yourself first, everything falls into place. I am now working for a law firm and have been producing some of the best work of my life. More importantly, I recently won an asylum case - a gang-asylum case. Those are the most difficult types of cases to have granted, but with all my hard work (and my wonderful friend's hard work) we won our case. My second semester of my law school career, I spend more time in the library then I had ever spend in my whole law school career. Though at time the process was frustrating, time consuming and the last thing I wanted to do - I worked hard for my client, worked hard for the case and I succeeded because I put myself and my client first.

I don't regret my relationship. Unfortunately, I am a constant optimist who has hope that people can overcome their obstacles and lead a fruitful life. I still believe in that boy and wish him the best. We brought out the worst in each other, but that doesn't mean either of us is a bad person. I don't know what the next chapter of my life will hold, but I do know one thing: I am putting myself first. The next chapter of my life will not include darkness, obsession or self-deprecation. Instead, I am focused on making my world a better, healthy environment.

Decisions

Decisions

I was lying in bed tonight, restless. It has been happening lately since the bar exam is literally days away. I am anxious and afraid. I am trying to keep a positive energy. But, I am also thinking about decisions.

One decision can change your life; it is either wrong or right. On the MBE portion of the exam, we are asked to deduce between four answers. Typically one will be clearly wrong, another one will look decent (but you know it's the wrong answer due to some nuance), then there are the two that seem so sweet. One will take you down a dark road and the other will lead to your sweet taste of success or happiness.

Decisions can be life changing and make the course of our paths different. They might make us walk in a different direction, towards something...away from something. 

Its been a month and for some reason, I can't take a decision out of my head. I replay the words that I said and realize how something that seemed so right, was the complete opposite of what I was trying to say.

Words have different meanings. In words we find ambiguity or clarity. Sometimes an answer will change based on an "if" or "because." It is very much like life where our word choices can be our downfall. 

Instead of, "I am going to miss you." A person will say, "you're leaving." Instead of telling someone, "I am so afraid to miss you." A person might say, "I don't know where this is going." 

Instead of saying, "I need to focus on studying. I like you a lot, but need to turn my phone off. Don't worry. I will be thinking of you ." A person will say, "Maybe we should try to be friends for a while."

It's these decisions, word choices, that make or break a situation. I keep thinking about how many of my friends tell me: "never let someone know how you feel; they are just going to use you." We internalize these words and begin to over think things. It's the same with the bar exam. You stare at a hypo and start worrying, "maybe I should have said this....maybe that wasn't the right issue." Instead of going with what you know, you go with a misguided path of insecurity or fear.

I answered a text today while I was extremely happy. I had just bought the Hello Kitty Dodger Bobble Head. It led to a phone call. It led to a bittersweet moment wherein I realized: Once a tornado is away from a storm, maybe there can be peace. The decision to stay apart will make both those natural disasters a better environment. Some environments were not meant to be, but our decision to live through them can help us learn from our mistakes. Some answer choices are best left erased. In your time of confusion, they seem so promising... But it isn't the right choice for that fact-pattern.

Decisions will make or break you. Maybe I crushed my own heart thinking I was protecting it. It's frustrating, not having someone's positive energy around. Or being able to see them, knowing it will make you smile. It's frustrating staring at your choices and not knowing which one to make... Because you're so sure that it is the right answer, even though it is a huge red herring!

Like the MBE taught me - learn from your mistakes so you can get it right the next time. Decision of the day? I am going to smile every day and be positive. I will walk into that exam room with confidence because I deserve it. I have worked too hard not to succeed. 

When I was 5 years old I made a decision. Now, at 25 - twent years later - it is game on. Decisions change our lives.... Which is why they should be well calculated.

The Open Heart

Some people don't deserve the energy we put into them. I've been listening to my friends talk about their friendship break-ups and their relationship break-ups. I myself have been thinking about my bout with a break-up, and my most recent miscommunication. It's hard to think that we spend so much time thinking about another person when they don't even seem to think about us.

I was told that at the end of the day, the most important thing is that we communicate what we desire to people. I agree on a superficial and idealistic level. But on a realistic level, at the end of the day the most important thing is that we protect our hearts and our skin. It all begins when we are babies. Babies are these ever curious creatures that need to be nurtured - parents cradle them in their arms to protect them from the harms of the world. The world is a place that quickly claims innocence and a lot of it has to do with the fact that people harden themselves. Instead of communicating and trying to find a middle ground - there are people in the world that are selfish. Instead of trying to make the world a better place - people let the darkness get the best of them and believe there is no good in the world.

The other day, my mother lost her wallet at the local grocery store. I watched her cry for an hour as she realized our house payment had been in the wallet - a total of $3,000. Low and behold, someone had turned in her wallet and hadn't even taken a cent. It's people like that, with integrity, morals and honesty that truly make this world an amazing place. People who are selfless are often seen as weak. In reality, those are the people that are strongest because they realize that they are vulnerable in a world of cats and dogs. They are vulnerable and still put their hearts out there to help other people and make the best of things.

One of the things that struck me while working with the Bar Association last year was how frustrated attorneys would get when they would offer free services to people. People would yell at them, scoff at them or treat them liked the attorney owed them everything. These attorneys would say to me, "I don't know why I keep doing this for people that are so ungrateful. They don't give a f*ck that I'm sitting here in the sun listening to them and trying to help when I could be in my backyard with my wife and kid." Yet time and time again, these same attorney show up at legal fairs to volunteer.

This girl I knew literally would put her heart on a platter because she was and still is a hopeless romantic. Her boyfriend would leave her in bed alone because he preferred watching soccer games on television or going on the internet. Rarely did he actually spend time with her when they were together. On her birthday, he would invite his friends to her house, drink beer and wouldn't even touch her, hold her hand or spend time with her. He would be accusing her of wanting to cheat or be up in her room watching soccer clips. This girl's boyfriend treated her like she was an object and rarely kissed her, held her hand or said thank you. This girl believed in her boyfriend so much that she would pay for his books for school, pack him a lunch every day and give him gas money because she always thought that if she could make his life easier, he would succeed and they would have a fairy tale ending.

I have a friend who is extremely giving. He spends his time listening to his friends cry about how terrible their lives are because they can't find a job or a man. Then, these friends will go behind his back and turn people against him. This guy listens to his friend tell him that they've given up on their dream, but still gives them a hand to hang on to. He even had the courage to visit the person he loved in jail while that person couldn't even say a simple, "I love you." I love this guy because he is filled with hope that there is good in the world, that this world has something amazing.

I had a friend once who came to my house because I couldn't breathe. My parents were on vacation and I was sick at home with strep throat, tonsillitis and pneumonia. She drove all the way to my house at 11:30 pm just to be there for me and sleep at my house so I wouldn't be alone.

My parents are extremely giving people, and I think it is from them I learned to have a kind heart and have humility. My father is the type of man that would pack a box of groceries for one of his secretaries because she didn't have enough food to feed her children. My mother is the type of woman who would pay for a person's mechanic bill because they couldn't afford it themselves. My parents are amazing and it makes me so angry when I see them get taken advantage of. But, there was something my mother told me once that made me realize how important it is to be giving.

My mother looked at me and said, "I don't regret giving away the things I've given even if a person is ungrateful, because at the end of the day I know that I did what I could to help them. One day, someone will really need the help I give and they will be truly grateful. You can't give up on the world because one person did you wrong."

People that give are the strongest people in this world because despite the cruel people in this world, they walk with their hearts and arms open. They know that they will be beat and stepped on. Yet, they sill go into the battlefield and do what they can do make a better life for themselves and for others.

It has made me realize that people are defined by how they live their life, not whom they live it with or what they have. These people don't have to give everything up to have someone be in their life because standing alone they are truly impeccable.

However, there are times when it is not worth it. Think about the energy we spend dwelling and obsessing over a person. I had a friend once who literally broke my heart. We were friends for a good 11 months when she finally showed her true colors. I begged for her to forgive me, asked her to work things out and would text her how I feel about her. One day, I woke up and realized I was apologizing to someone who wasn't worth my time. I had done nothing to her, she had her own insecurities and blamed them on me. I had opened my heart too wide.

So, I had to think about it: who am I living for?

Recognize the person in the mirror - I have looked in the mirror sometimes and not recognized the person staring back at me. I've felt lost and alone; I've even self-deprecated myself into believing no friends loved me or think about me. Shocker - I'm REALLY sensitive. It's something only my closest friends and family know about me. I hide it with sarcasm and a rough exterior. I express myself through words best, because I've been writing since I was four years old. I have an open heart, but I guard it and shield it because I've learned that at the end of the day, a person can only choose for themselves their own path. I can only control myself, I can't tell other people - beg other people - to be in my life. I'll open my heart, and people can see me as weak. At the end of the day, I'm living for me and for making the world a better place.

That girl that I though was my friend? She made me think that my own family hated me. Her lies would consume our family gatherings and people began to believe some of those lies she told. A snakes venom can be seen from a mile away and once a person has been poisoned, that poison seeps out. Her lies were uncovered and my family was there to support me at the end of the day. People will be deceived, but if you cannot learn to forgive, then you will never forget.

It's also important, though, to remember what Eleanor Roosevelt said: Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. At some point, when a snake spits their venom you have to think: who cares what that person thinks! You've given them so much of your time. Looking at your phone, checking your voicemail, seeing if they've sent you a message on Facebook, apologizing to them via text message. At the end of the day, there is a reason they are not on your road and in your life. It is because they do not deserve to be in your life.

The time you spend on them, the time you dwell? That's time you could be watching your favorite show, putting on make-up, hiking....

There are times where the pain will be so bad that we can't breathe, but we have to learn to stop begging. Someone who makes you beg doesn't deserve to have you in their life. They are clearly too insecure or too involved in their own darkness to be worth having in your life.

Never again will I try to change a person's mind or try to make them see my worth. If they can't see my worth, they are blind. People don't deserve the energy we put into them, but that doesn't mean we should close our hearts. I'm a hopeless romantic and optimist. I really believe that there is good in the world. There are people who are going to return wallets with $3,000, there are people who will drive to your house in the middle of the night and people in our lives that will be there to cradle us when we need protection. Before we can protect others, we need to learn to protect ourselves. It's easy to fall into darkness and take the easy way out. It's hard to open our hearts and keep giving, even though we've been hurt in the past. And, when someone opens their heart to you, don't overlook that person. They might not open their hearts to you again.

In life, we have to roll with the punches and protect ourselves, but keeping an open heart and being vulnerable can be a good thing. At the end of the day, the things you do will define you. Do you want to be the person that was selfish and stole $3,000? Or do you want to be the person that made a change in this world? Life rewards those that open their hearts and do good things.

That girl that would pack her boyfriend lunch all the time? That was me. I'm about to take the bar exam and become an attorney. He's consumed in a life of lies: lies to a girl while he tries to call me and beg me to come back. How do I know this? The poor girl called me. Last I heard, some of his closest friends have turned their back on him. The last time I spoke to him, he was crying about how he wished he had the past. It's too late. I opened my heart, he crushed it. I've learned my lesson with that one. Does it mean that I'm going to keep my heart closed to the rest of the world? No, because I know there are people out there who deserve to be in my life. People I can't wait to meet!

I know that lately I've opened up and spoken about the ex - maybe it's because it was a sore subject I never wanted to discuss. Seeing my friends hurt for similar reasons that I was hurt frustrates me because I can't protect them from pain. But, I can tell them that life will bring them amazing things by sharing my story.

We choose our own paths - we can choose a path of darkness or we can choose a life worth living. All that matters to me is that at the end of the day, I am happy. I have a family that supports me and friends that go to dinner with me at random Italian restaurants and have intellectual conversations with me - or make fun of me for pretending the blonde highlights have gotten to my head.

So, who am I living for? I am living for me. But, I'm never going to stop being a hopeless romantic or having an open heart because giving makes me happy. I don't give because I think it makes me look good, I give because it makes me feel like I've made the world a better place. It's not easy to have an open heart because being hurt is painful, but it's better than being the person who causes the pain. Those are the people that will never have a moment of TRUE happiness. Misery loves company, but courage has the power - an open heart has the power.

Happenstance

In life, I've always been a true believer that everything happens for a reason. It's something I learned in high school, and something that I've lived by since. Although, there are moments that I forget this important revelation I had in high school - because let's face it, we can't be on our A-game at every step of the way.

Last night, a close friend of mine married the love of her life. Her matron of honor had told everyone a story, about how everything in life happens for a reason. Their parents had met one day because their mother decided to leave her school and eat lunch with her friends at another high school. My friends, Mr and Mrs. met because Mr. just so happened to be walking down the stairs while Mrs. was randomly talking to her friends after class one night. They caught each others eyes. Those people were all at the right place, at the right time.

Okay, my story isn't a love story, but it is about chance. If I hadn't decided I was tired of Lean Cuisine today, I wouldn't have ran into an old friend.

As I was paying for my food today, I heard my name.
I turned around and instantly recognized the face; I smiled and said hello.
He looked at me and said: "Hey! I wasn't sure if it was you because usually you're all dressed up."

It made me think - years ago, while I was in college, there was a time when I would wake up every morning and put on make-up FOR MYSELF. I would pick out a dress, the perfect necklace and the perfect shoes, FOR MYSELF. Every time my friend has seen me is at a social gathering, wherein I have dressed up FOR MYSELF.

I went to school the other day. I had on a lace dress, white heels - that I've named Nikki and Cole - and I was done up. The minute I walked into the halls everyone asked me, "Who's the lucky guy?" "Special plans?" "You look dressed up! Hot date?" I wanted to scream at them. I had dressed up for MYSELF.

Well, this happenstance bump in made me think about how people perceive a person. My parents are constantly breathing down my neck about the bar exam.

My mother once told me she was worried I wouldn't make it through law school because I didn't know how to work hard. I was invited to write-on for law review, became a Student Trustee for a bar association, was president of the Latino Organization at my school AND I was on the Dean's List in law school. So, false. I do know how to work hard.

I think the most frustrating part, is my dad jokes about how I never study; he worries about me because other law students "take the bar seriously." He too enjoys telling me what to do with my life and where to go with my life.

Recently, I was told by a fellow law student that people didn't think I was very intelligent because I had analogized something to a necklace in Civil Procedure. People constantly thought I was air-headed and had no idea what I was talking about. I'm not top of the class - but if I wanted to be, I would have blown the world away. It's not something to brag about - I'm actually not proud of it, but I studied six hours for a final exam once, I received one of the highest grades. Natural intelligence can be beneficial, but it can also be someone's downfall. Happenstance reminded me that I can prove people wrong and that not everything you see on the outside is what is on the inside.

At the wedding yesterday, I forgot about how amazing the people are in my life. The dinners we would plan once a month, the random moments at a bar in Los Angeles laughing about the flowers in our martinis; the sleep overs and lists of places we want to explore. It made me think about how every person in life has something to teach you - and if they don't then it teaches you what you don't want to have in your life.
So, how did I meet these people? Happenstance. If I had not been in a relationship (even if it was terrible), if I wasn't a hopeless romantic - I'd be studying law at Syracuse or UNLV. If I hadn't stayed in California, I wouldn't have realized my true worth and wouldn't have been able to write you a story about a light at the end of the tunnel. I'd probably still be in the tunnel! More importantly, I wouldn't have developed such strong relationships with my friends and I wouldn't have met the amazing people I know now. We wouldn't have had game nights at my house, or tapas in Pasadena. These people are truly inspiring - each of them.

My friends from law school. If my "Law School Bestie" hadn't been sitting alone, if I hadn't of wanted to make a new friend, she wouldn't be in my life. There would be no Hello Kitty Crew. We wouldn't have spent 8 hours studying our booties off for Business Organizations. We wouldn't have realized how capable we are! She wouldn't have been there to help me out of a storm. She wouldn't have been there, every day of law school, to make me laugh and smile. I wouldn't have made it through law school.
If I hadn't started working on an immigration case, I would have never developed something with "Boo Boo Bear." If I hadn't asked her to walk through Downtown Los Angeles and explore the library with me, we wouldn't have realized how much we have in common. We wouldn't have ran through the streets of Vegas feeling on top of the world! We wouldn't have been there for each other to remember that heartbreak doesn't have to be forever. She never would have invited me to Las Vegas where I started chatting with "Pen Stealer." And I wouldn't laugh every day at some joke "Pen Stealer" made via text message because he, yet again, stole one of my pens - I'm very serious about office supplies and pens. I love them! He wouldn't be there to remind me to stop taking life so seriously. I also probably wouldn't have gotten that speeding ticket, by the way.

Every person in our life comes in it for a reason.

Last night, Dentist's scent was on my pillow. It made me sad because I wish I wouldn't have been so scared of being hurt before the bar. But, I think his scent was there because I needed to remember that I can't hang on to yesterday. I also need to remember that I can't be so quick to assume someone is going to hurt me.

Bumping into my friend at Chipotle - happenstance. It was to remind me that there are more days to come tomorrow, more friends to make and people to meet. It's to remind me that after the bar exam, life begins and people are waiting for me.

Most importantly, it was to inspire me to write this... everything happens for a reason. Happenstance is there to remind us that sometimes we need a little push to be inspired and to do better. It's also there to bring amazing things into our lives. So, if you happen to find yourself in a moment - take it.

Light at the End of the Tunnel

I feel like there are times in life where I have these amazing revelations, but lately I've been coming up empty. Mostly because I've been letting external influences get the best of me, but that doesn't mean that it will shake my core. I'm in the end of studying for the bar and little to no idea what I am doing with myself. Fear. Stress. Confusion...

Yet, though it has been on my mind all day, the bar exam is not what is on my mind now.

What is on my mind is this: there are times in our lives where a person will help change our lives when we least expect it, and they will be gone with the wind just as quickly as they entered our lives.

People think I am an open book, and perhaps on the outskirts of life I am a tell-all version of what a reality show should be like. Society tells us we aren't supposed to TRULY express how we feel. Many times, we're afraid to open ourselves up. Rarely, do I truly tell anyone how I feel about them, about my life or about my experiences, until today.

Heartbreak happens, which I discussed. It's the healing that's hard.

At the age of 18, I was admitted into one of the most prestigious schools on the West Coast - in my admissions application I had analogized my life to a rain drop that had found its way. I embarked on a journey that would take me to a double major in Psychology and Organizational Studies with a minor in Chicano Studies (granted I was qualified for a triple major, but did not petition.) Little did I know that the storm would not be over for me until Law School.

Society would never dream that a person, a woman, like me could ever fall so deep into manipulation, but I did. For nearly six years of my life, I was oppressed and hiding behind the shadows of a smile and a laugh. On the outside, I was confident, driven and nothing could get in my way. On the outside, I was beautiful and shining. On the inside, I was torn, depressed and constantly dreaming of a way out. I wasn't allowed to be upset, so I learned to self-control and consume myself in school, work and helping others. The last person I realized I needed to help was myself.

Even now, I'm ashamed to admit that a person as powerful as I am now allowed someone to break me down - but it happened. I am telling my story because I want people to know that there is a way out - there is a light at the end of the tunnel. You just have to let things go and realize you are more important.

So, here it goes...

For six years of my life, from the age of 17 to 23, I was in a relationship with a coward - who I thought was perfect. Love truly is blind. This person used to push me, pin me against walls, verbally abuse me and constantly bring me down. I always thought I deserved it because he made me feel inadequate, and I let him. He made me believe that no one in this world would ever like me, love me or look at me the way he did. So, on the outside - I was confident, smiling and always happy (the typical social butterfly.) Deep inside, I was miserable, constantly afraid and silent. People will judge me - they will judge you. They will tell you they don't understand why you put up with it, and the honest truth is that people don't know why they put up with manipulation. However, the important thing now, is that I tell my story because I think a part of it was that I couldn't imagine a way out - I didn't see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I ended things with him one day, because he hit me. So, I looked in the mirror and I told myself - this isn't what I want or deserve in life. I deserve better and I need to get out.

You deserve better. Being UNHAPPY is the defining factor, the fact that there is no violence shouldn't be your indicator. Just because someone brought you a moment of joy, doesn't mean you deserve to be in a sea of misery. If the person makes you cry, makes you feel less than you are TRULY worth - and trust me, you're worth A LOT - then you need to look in the mirror. This is what I wish someone would have told me before I had to be slapped in the face to realize my worth.

At the beginning of a break-up, especially where the person was manipulative, you feel like you're in a cave. Everything is dark, you have no idea what is in front of you and you have no idea where you are going.

But, you trek through it...even when you feel a rope pulling you back, because you know - or at least hope - that the other side is going to be there. So, I started my journey.

For the first few months, I obsessed. I cried myself to sleep, I focused on law school and occasionally I'd cry in the library while reading something about Criminal Procedure because I couldn't get my mind off what was behind me.

Then, I asked myself - why am I doing this? My cousin, Jessica, was one of my inspirations - she still is. She looked at me and told me: you need to stop. You need to look at the person that you are and you need to realize that only you can change your own future. Stop.

So, I did. Maybe I had been manipulated in to believing I wasn't enough, but that wasn't my reality. Six years is a long time, but it is not and will not be the rest of my life. So, I started trekking through that cave - I realized that I am loveable. I am empowered and I do not need validation from anyone other than myself.

I started running; doing things I forgot I loved to do - read, travel, take pictures, write, hike up a canyon to see some stupid waterfall (jk, I loved it). I even forgot that I used to play the piano. And I saw the light, I could see it...and I thought, I'm there. I've reached the end.

Well, here's the kicker. I met someone - heartbreak happens, and we shouldn't let it define us. We should focus on the light at the end of the tunnel. But, we also need to realize that we can't forget the path we took to get to the end, because it will effect us.

When I first met him - we will call him, "Dentist" - I thought he was so sweet. I was myself around him, confident, happy and I conveyed it. I liked him and he liked me. But what I couldn't see is that the scars from trekking through that cave, were still there and I hadn't quite learned to trust a new adventure. I liked Dentist, but imagine my surprise when I was the person that called him three days before he left to school across the state and told him I wasn't sure where we were going.

Plain and simple:

I was afraid and because I never learned to say the most simple sentence: "I like you. You make me smile and I want to see where this could go," he thought I wanted to end things. So, he did what any person who had been hit would do - he walked away from the blow.

I wish I could go back to yesterday. I'd tell that person just how I feel, but instead I focus on the future - on the light at the end of the tunnel because I realize that it's through trekking through life that we learn from our mistakes. Not everything is going to be a storm, and sometimes we will make mistakes because we expect the storm to hit. Dentist was great and I honestly hope that one day, we meet again.

So, here is what I wish I could say now:

"Dentist,

You changed my life. You came into it quickly and it was bittersweet. You made me laugh and you shared a piece of your life with me. Thank you. I'm sorry things went sour because I was too afraid to express how I feel. We didn't get to say our last goodbyes, but what I do know is this: I'll be thinking of you from time to time. It'll make me smile, but most importantly - I'll be thanking you for making me realize I have to focus on one thing - the BAR EXAM. I'm telling you now that you've changed my life because you taught me something: if you want something in life, you have to go for it. You had a goal and you focused on it. I have a dream and I'll get there."

Maybe I'll meet him again... But what I care about NOW is remembering I have something more important at my reach. It's what I've been dreaming of since I was 5 years old when I walked into my classroom with a brief case, just to tell everyone that I would be a lawyer one day....

I am looking at the light at the end of the tunnel - because it IS there- I promise. And if you need help - never be afraid to ask. I said that I'm not good at expressing how I feel, well in this case - I learned I need to reach out and tell people how I feel (or if I need a hand.) An important friend of mine did me the greatest favor: he agreed to take away my IPhone and change my Facebook password. Society is so driven by technology these days! But you know what? I love him for it because I know that at the end of the day, he is one of the supports I need to reach my light... and a girl should never be without those people in her life that truly, unconditionally love her. In my case: my parents, my family and my true blue friends.

My focus in life right now is to pass the bar - focus on the bar and not look over my shoulder at the, "what if I had only said what I meant?" Mistakes happen, we can't let them define us - but more importantly - we have to look at the light. We have to reach for the light and we need to realize, I need to realize, that right now the light is on July 24th. I am days away from taking the bar exam.

I need to pass the bar; do it once and work harder than I have EVER worked in my entire life for the rest of this month. Because after that, the rest of my life I can spend it looking for a new adventure, a new light and realize that there is always a light at the end of the tunnel. Sometimes it'll be worth it, sometimes it will be a missed opportunity - but above all else - I have to remember that nothing in life is free. So if trek is what I need to do to see where the light will lead - then trek I shall.

To my loves: look for your light at the end of the tunnel. Remember how beautiful of a person you are and remind yourself EVERY day of your life that you mean the world to someone - to me. You think I'm confident, strong and incapable of being hurt. Everyone falls, everyone gets hurt. It's HOW you get back up that makes the difference. It doesn't matter how many tears I get on my arms, how many 2am phone calls I receive... a true friend loves unconditionally. A true friend would spend an hour writing about things she NEVER talks about just so that you can see that there is a way out. You will meet someone new and even if it doesn't go the way you want or think, at the end of the day you have the most important person by your side: YOURSELF. Look for your light. Never forget your scars, but PLEASE don't turn your back on the light at the end of the tunnel because I am there waiting for you on the other side. A better tomorrow is waiting for you.

And if all else fails, think about how sexy you'll look with your Berkin, Rolex or whatever your poison may be. Dwelling isn't going to get you to that goal. When you see me with my Berkin as I walk through the State Capitol, you'll know I've reached my goal. :)

Heartbreak Happens

It's been almost a year since I have written, and let me tell you has that year been a tumultuous tumble. In the past year, I've broken up with my fiance and had my heart stomped on a couple more times by him. I am in a better place, and I must say that now I realize how co-dependant I used to be on someone else.

Heartbreak happens, but we cannot let it define us. Loss of love and friendships happen, but we can't let it taint the memories. The fact of the matter is that at one point in our lives, those people were exactly what we needed at that moment. Whether it be a friend you used to drink and laugh with at your favorite bar, an ex best friend that once was the girl you turned to for everything or even, the love of your past life. I say past life because that's just what it was - another life. The life that you shared with those people is over and instead of dwelling, we need to embrace those moments and take them for what they are - learning experiences. Souls will meet because it's what we need to grow, but sometimes those souls drift apart - when they want different things and take different paths. As heartbreaking as it may be, those moments in life make us stronger, better and more resilient. Embrace heartbreak and let it lead you to a better tomorrow.

Nothing in the world is completely wrong; even a stopped clock is right twice a day (Paulo Coelho's words, not mine). Someone in the world loves you and wants you to succeed. Don't dwell on the small travesties of life. Take your trials as a learning experience and pick yourself up. Everyone falls, you will fall... But it's getting up that makes life so important.

Love is what makes us strong and gives us hope. Love yourself. Truly. Even with your flaws. You are beautiful just the way you are. Don't let drugs alter your state of mind. Let YOU do it. Drugs and alcohol are not the solution, they are a distraction from your dreams. Focus. Have your fun; don't drown in it. Because as high as those drugs take you, as low they will make you fall. You can't control substances...what you can control is the knowledge you feed your brain, the nutrients you give your body and the people you let into your life. Life is like a cup, you need to fill it with water to survive. But fill your own cup, don't depend on others to do it for you. If you fill your own cup, it will stay stable. Don't let other people or things be your water. Let them in to paint and color your water, but don't let them BE the painting or your water. Heartbreak happens, but don't let it define you.